AS YOU ARE
Part 7

Thanks to CONNIE & LOIS

JUSTIN’s POV

It feels strange having to leave Felix and go home…especially at this hour of the night but I have no choice…I won’t stay over. Not tonight…or tomorrow… not for a long time. I’m not ready yet.

So at 11pm, I force myself to leave my boyfriend’s loft…and all his sweet kisses and grabs at my dick won’t stop me.

“Stop…” I groan as he kisses my neck. I’m waiting for the lift to come up but it’s taking forever.

“The bloody thing’s whacked!” Felix tells me. “I had to take the stairs this evening.”

I automatically panic…and must ask…just to be sure. “Did you meet any of your.. uhm… neighbours yet?”

I’m avoiding his eyes, but he doesn’t notice. He’s lighting up a cigarette and his head is bent. “Christ, no. I honestly don’t see the bloody point. I’ll be back and forth all the time…”

I want to drop on my knees and thank God…thank someone…but I just let out a relieved sigh and kiss him quickly.

“Want me to walk you down?” he offers but I say no.

I know he’s got some urgent calls to return and email to check so I wave goodbye and head downstairs.

I really like Felix…I must admit. Not as much as I suspect he likes me…but enough.

It feels so good being with just one person and knowing that person only wants to be with me.

He’s very unlike Ethan…but not so different from Brian...except for the monogamy part. But I refuse to think about that fact.

It is odd though that the moment the thought pops in my head, I realize that I’m standing right outside Brian’s door.

I take a deep breath and reach out to touch it. I don’t know why but I put my ear against it. Even though it’s very cold, I can’t seem to move away. I hear nothing though…maybe he’s not home…or sleeping...I hope.

I realize how nosy I’m being and pull away, start to walk away again.

Then I hear the door open. Shit! My first reaction is to hide. I try to stoop and press myself against the wall…I don’t want Brian to see me. But no such luck.

“Justin?”

I make this funny sound and squeeze my eyes shut before opening them again, turning around to face him.

And then I see the man standing in front of him. He’s tall…dark hair and killer abs. I know Brian has a thing for brunettes, which is weird, considering how long he was with me.

“Hey.” I say and Brian gives me a strange look.
The brunette is watching me with a funny look and I hear him tell Brian, “That kid looks familiar. Is he your brother or something?”

Brian opens the door wider, which is his way of saying ‘come in.’ I wish I could run away though. But I don’t.

I slip in between Brian and his…’friend’ and go inside.

The loft looks the same as it always does…just a little more empty. I never realized how much stuff I had at Brian’s. He must be glad to have all his cupboard space back. Now he won’t have to shove the Prada shoes far in the closet to accommodate my tennis ones...or make room for my clothes.

I hear the door close behind me but don’t turn around. Brian walks over to the fridge and pulls out a beer. “Want one?”

“No, thanks.” I mumble.

“So what brings you to the neighbourhood?” he asks after taking a sip. He walks over to his desk and starts digging through a stack of papers.

“I…uhm…just came to say hi. See how you were doing. Haven’t seen you around lately.” This is partly true. I haven’t seen Brian in days. Lindsay told me he’s been busy with work.

“Before I forget, this is for you.” he hands me an envelope.

“What’s this?” I ask confused.

“Your tuition. I think they’re due?”

I swallow. Oh God. How easily Brian has just solved my problem…the one thing that keeps me up on nights…
I want to kiss the white piece of paper…right after I kiss Brian! But I know I can’t take it…I have to stop depending on Brian all the time.

“Brian, I can’t take this.” I hold it out for him to take back but he just looks at it. Then he watches me.

“Why not? We have an arrangement.”

“Yea but…that was before.”

“Before?”

“When we were together.”

“Justin, don’t be a fucking moron. Just take the money. It’s not charity. You’re paying me back every cent.”

“Just like I paid you back for New York?” I shout.

I don’t mean to shout…but I feel that this is the only way to get through to him now.
I never paid him for my runaway adventure to the Big Apple…the ticket and the hotel and the room service…all ignored. It was like he gave me a paid vacation!
I never paid for a single thing while I lived with him.

He glares at me…because he knows the truth...that he’ll never take money from me.

“This is different.” He says coldly.

“How?”

“It just is, ok. Now leave it alone.” He turns his back on me and starts cleaning up his desk.

But I can’t leave it alone. And I tell him so…as I place the envelope on his desk.

He watches it for a while then looks at me. “How are you going to pay for school then?”

I honestly don’t know how to answer him.

“Going to ask the beauty queen you’re fucking to save the day?” he asks nastily.

I look at him quickly and shout, “No! I would never do that.”

He nods. “Good.” And I realize he was just testing me.

I smirk and shake my head…Brian and his mind games. “How is that good? He’d loan me the money you know?”

“I’m sure he would but I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

I roll my eyes heavenward and mutter sarcastically, “This should be interesting.”

Brian swats my butt. “Don’t get smart. You know I’m right.”

I wrinkle my nose at him. “You’re such an old man sometimes!”

He raises an eyebrow. “At least I’ll still be around when he’s gone.”

I stop grinning and look into his eyes…but I don’t see what I want to…as usual. Brian has the art of hiding his emotions down to a tee. It’s so fucking irritating.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask although I know the response already.

He shrugs. “Take it to mean whatever you want.”

I give him an annoyed look but all he does is grin.

I decide to grab something to eat as long as I’m there and start digging through Brian’s fridge. I pour myself some milk.

“Hungry?” he leans on the open fridge door.

“I could eat a little something.” I admit. He laughs as he picks up the phone and starts ordering from the Chinese restaurant down the street.

“Szechwan chicken and noodles ok for you?” he asks.

I nod and can’t help but ask, “Isn’t it a bit late for carbs?”

He sticks his tongue out at me and all I want to do is take it into my mouth and suck on it…hear him moan my name.
Oh God. I’m fucking insane. I just had a marathon sex session with Felix upstairs. I can’t be wanting Brian now…my ass is so NOT up for it! If only my dick would listen…

“So how’s school?” Brian interrupts my thoughts with his question.

I take a huge gulp of milk before I answer him. “It’s alright. I’ve got this stupid project due next week.”

“You’re using the computer I got you right?” he starts pulling me towards him as he sits on the stool. With his free hand, he’s trying to touch my face.

“What are you doing?” I move my face away from his hand and try to hit him.

“You’ve got a milk moustache, twat.” He laughs.

I move closer to him and allow him to wipe the creamy liquid away with his fingers.

I think he realizes then how close I am to him…that he’s touching me. He looks into my eyes then quickly shifts his gaze to the wall behind me, drops his hand away from my face.

It’s an awkward silence…and all I want to do is kiss his beautiful lips. They’re inches away from my own.

But I won’t. Not only because I don’t know how Brian will react but also because of Felix. I can’t hurt him. I don’t want to.

The doorbell rescues us. Brian answers it and returns with a white plastic bag.

“Get us some forks!” Brian says as he makes his way to the sofa. He has already gotten to the noodles, tossing his head back and throwing a long strand into his mouth.

We both eat straight from the box, too hungry to care….just like we always did.

“It’s not spicy enough.” I mumble through mouthfuls.

“You like it too hot.” It’s not what he said but how he said it that has me looking at him.

I stare at him for so long, he grumbles, “What?”

“You don’t like him, do you?”

He doesn’t pretend to not know of whom I speak. “He’s a fucking moron.”

“Brian-“ I start to defend Felix.

“He doesn’t even fucking know you and he’s pushing drugs into your system…allowing you to get drunk.” I can tell he’s angry but now so am I.

“I’m a big boy, Brian. I know what I’m doing. You can’t blame Felix.”

“Oh, I don’t blame that British prick.” He glares at me. “I blame you for being such a stupid little asshole. And I don’t want you taking any of that shit…especially when I’m not around.”

I hate how Brian always tries to protect me and I tell him so. He shrugs and says, “Too bad.”

I glare at him but he ignores me and continues eating. Finally, I roll my eyes and say, “Ok, daddy.”

He grits his teeth. “Try to remember what happened to Ted and then you can be as smart assed as you want to be…all fucking night.”

“I’m not Ted….and Felix is definitely no Blake. He cares about me.”

Brian looks away and tosses the half empty box on the table.

“Brian-“ I start to apologize. I know he has good intentions…for once.

“Justin, I’m just asking you to not take that shit unless I’m around…or unless it’s from me. That way, at least you know it’s fucking good shit.” He says quietly.

I inch closer to him so our arms touch. “I won’t…I promise.”

He turns and we’re staring into each other’s eyes. “I just don’t want anymore shit to happen to you.”

I smile and wrinkle my nose. “When are you going to stop taking care of me?”

He doesn’t answer…leans down and kisses me softly on the lips.
I close my eyes and lean forward…his tongue is in my mouth, exploring every inch of it…teasing me…making me want more of him.
I moan low in my throat and start tugging on his tongue…begin to suck on him…and then I hear his moan.

I immediately pull away. I wait for my breathing to return to normal before I blurt, “We can’t do this.”

He stiffens. “Right. Wouldn’t want your boy toy to find out...now would we?”

I sigh. “Stop. It’s not that.”

Thankfully, he says nothing else, just looks at the clock. “You missed your bus.”

He’s right. It’s now after 12.

“Can you-?”

“No fucking way. I’ve got to be up by 6 tomorrow.” he leaves the sofa and goes into his bedroom.

I stand up to follow him. “Then how-“

A pillow is thrown in my face followed by a blanket.

“Crash on the sofa…You’ve got a couple t-shirts and clean underwear in the top draw.”

I must have left some of my stuff over...or Mom didn't pack everything. Oh well. At least I'll have some clean clothes for tomorrow.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” I ask nervously. I don’t think I should be staying over at Brian’s…it feels so…awkward.

He pulls off his wife-beater and turns to look at me. “Are you afraid you won’t be able to keep your hands off me?”

I snort in response.

“Then I don’t see what the problem is.” He says, climbing into bed.

The sofa is narrower than I remember. I take off my clothes and toss them on the table then try to get comfortable; turn to my left, then right and finally settle on my back.

Staring at the ceiling, I close my eyes and try to sleep. But I can’t…because I’m feeling his eyes on me…even though I KNOW he’s in the bedroom…the same place where we used to sleep…together. The room where I never doubted his feelings for me…He’d pull me up against him and hug me to him…so that when we woke up the next morning, I’d still be in his arms...because he never wanted to let me go.

I have to fight it…this urge to crawl into bed with him like I used to. And I do. I close my eyes and count sheep.

It’s after two when my eyes open again. It’s dark and quiet and I wonder if I’ve even gotten an hour of sleep.

I try to get comfy again but I can’t seem to…And then I groan. I’ve lost the battle…can’t take it anymore...can’t fight it anymore.

I grab my pillow and walk up the steps quietly so I won’t wake him. Climb into my side of the bed and wait. Seconds later, the blanket is being brought up over me and an arm is being slipped around my waist.

Brian kisses my back and mumbles, “What took you so long?” before closing his eyes and going back to sleep.

I smile and follow suit.

And when I wake up the next morning, he’s gone…but the envelope is still there…sticking out of the pocket of my jeans.

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