AS YOU ARE
Part 9

Thanks to Connie & Lois

FELIX POV

I've always known that I was queer. I think I was born that way. Different...always attracted to other men...wanting to be close to them...touching them...kissing them...I guess I'm just more comfortable around my own sex.

And I learned from a young age to not care what people may think about me. Fuck them. Most know absolutely NOTHING about me...my life...so fuck them...

Most people don't know that I come from good stock...that my father's a bloody wealthy bloke...of course, none of his money ever came to me...I wouldn't take a red cent from him..even if he got down on his hands and knees and begged me too.

The sorry cunt, he went and bought himself a mansion in the Cayman Islands and still lives there with his bimbo, Bridgette. Blonde with big fake tits. What more can a straight man want?

I haven't seen him in ages...and don't care too. As far as I'm concerned, he's dead... He died a helluva long time ago too.

Alix, my younger brother, used to live with the old bastard a bit, so he gets himself a nice fat allowance. But he's only 20 and still in school, so he deserves it. If only he would concentrate on his bloody GCE and not shagging 24/7...

Max, the oldest at 30, lives in fucking South Africa. If you ask me, he was always the bloody odd one...experimenting with the neighbour's cat...hunting it down, to be exact. In the middle of the night, he'd be climbing out the fucking window with a net and a knife. He's taken it to another level now...this strange hobby of his...and hunts big cats for fun. Sorry, but I just was never into pussy...big or small. But I do expect a letter any day now...informing me of his sudden and painful death...being eaten by one of those animals in the wild. He'd fucking deserve it too...the bloody psycho. We were never close.

Now my mother...she's another blimming story. An alcoholic by birth, or so I'd imagine...the way she goes after the bottle. Morning, noon and night. She got herself her very own bartender too...nice chap, Dave. He used to be a personal trainer and was in bloody fantastic shape. My nut of a mother used to make him wear the silliest emsembles for her entertainment...a bowtie and a black thong; sarongs; even nothing sometimes...just to serve her drinks in bed.

And no doubt about it, she was one horny bitch. Dave must have gotten more blowjobs than I did that year. I must have caught her a million times...fucking Dave...the gardener...the mailman...her massage therapist...everyone really. Never my father though...for which I'm eternally grateful.

That was my life in a nutshell. A sod for a father. A bitch of a mother. Two no-good brothers. Who would want a fucking childhood when they could have mine?

None of them knew I was queer though. They never took the time to notice.

I got my first *queer* kiss at 13. Yeah, I started young. During soccer practice, I tripped Mark Durham and "accidentally" fell on top of him...so our lips would connect.

That kiss kept me sane for a while. I used to write letters to Mark then throw them out. I was always a horrible speller anyways. I fucking hated school.

When I was 16, I went to my first gay club. And that night, I lost my virginity. His name was Paul; a dark haired stud with a body to make any dick hard. We danced for a bit and flirted madly...then he took me back to his place; undressed me slowly...told me he couldn't wait to get inside me... and he fucked me...but it wasn't rough. He was so gentle. It was not just sex...it was...heaven.

I never saw Paul again...but I'm actually glad he was my first.

After that, I was hooked. There was no turning back for me.

I fucked and sucked and just enjoyed life.

Two or three years later, Simon came along. Actually, he saw me...dancing...came up to me and asked me if I knew how beautiful I was. I laughed, told him I wasn't interested. It wasn't that he wasn't hot, he was. Black hair and eyes, chiseled features...sexy...very sexy. But I was tired that night, wanted to go home and get some sleep.

But Simon persisted...told me he wanted to see me again. Eventually, I relented and gave him my number. When I was leaving, he leaned down and kissed me, briefly and told me he'd call me the next day.

I don't know why, but I couldn't sleep that night...couldn't stop thinking about him...which was bloody odd for me...I was used to fucking them and leaving them...and I hadn't even fucked this one yet!

He did call the next day...and we went out. My first date. He wined me and dined me; we went back to his place and fucked until the sun came up. And then he made me breakfast in bed.

I was in love.

With a fucking pretty boy. A model.

And he broke my heart. But not before bringing me into his world...of beauty, drugs, booze and sex...plenty of sex.

In the past couple years, I haven't been happy. Not once. But all that has changed now. And all because of one man. Justin Taylor.

Have you ever noticed that when you're making love to someone you really care about, all of your senses become involved more intensely?

Like a kiss is not just a kiss anymore. I feel as though my soul is connecting to Justin's somehow when my mouth is on his.

Where ever I touch him, I can feel his heartbeat...and all I can do is close my eyes and listen.

His scent lingers everywhere, driving me to distraction. It is so fucking maddening.

So when he comes over on Friday night to see me, I can't help but "jump his bones."

I know he's been pretty depressed lately. He won't tell me why, but has assured me it has nothing to do with me.

So I try to cheer him up. And get laid at the same time. Kill two birds with one stone.

The minute he walks into the loft, I push him against the post and eat at his mouth.

"No hello?" Justin manages to get out between kisses.

I don't say anything, just undress him quickly, which he lets me do...I unzip my pants and push him against the wall. His fingers grip the pole and I can just imagine how turned on he must be, his hot body against the cold pole.

"I'm going to fuck you, baby...and you're going to love every minute of it." I whisper in his ear as I put on the condom.

And then I'm inside his tight hole, feeling it stiffen and then hearing his gasp.

"Ooohh." he murmurs.

I pull out slightly and wait...but it's not long before I hear, "Felix?" followed by a low groan.

"Say it." I demand.

He groans again but says, "Fuck me Felix, fuck me. I want to feel your big cock inside of me."

He tries to turn around to glare at me when he hears my laugh but I don't let him.

I thrust harder as my hands wrap themselves around his body, my fingers squeezing at his nipples. I hear myself grunt...because this feels so fucking good.

Harder...faster....harder still.

"Oh fuck!" I hear myself groan.

"Don't stop!" Justin begs.

And then he lets out a tiny cry, just before he orgasms...and I can't help but let it all go too.

I love holding Justin in my arms when we're in bed. He's like a little baby, clinging to me, trying to get as close as he possibly can.

"I can stay like this forever." I tell him, kissing his forehead and hugging him to me tighter.

"Me too." He whispers back, looking up at me for a kiss, which he immediately gets.

"Then stay."

"You know I can't."

I try not to be hurt, but I can't help it. It's been bloody months and he still won't stay overnight. He can't still be moping over the sorry sod who hurt him. I think he's even beginning to love me...a little.

But for now, I just smile and let it go. "Ok. So you're not going to stay the night. Let's go out then. I feel like dancing."

"Noooo..." he protests.

"Oh come on. It'll get you out of this funk you're in."

He agrees reluctantly and we head out.

At Babylon, the music is blaring so loudly, I get a massive headache as soon as we enter. Justin's friends Ted and Emmett are there along with Michael, standing at the bar, scoping out the crowd no doubt.

"Want something to drink?" I ask Justin.

"Whatever you're having." he responds.

I get us two tequilas, which we shot quickly, then order us two more. Kill the headache with some liquor.

"Are you trying to get the boy drunk so you can take advantage of him?" Someone whispers in my ear.

Turning around, I see it's Brian. He slips an arm around both me and Justin, so he's in the middle of us. Brian looks fucking amazing tonight. He's dressed in all black with his wonderfully slim biceps exposed.

Giving him my best *fuck me* grin, I say, "I don't need to ply him with alcohol to have my way with him. Do I, Justin?"

Justin bites on his lower lip but says nothing. He doesn't look so good actually.

I lean across and ask him if he's ok but before he can respond, Brian says, "He looks pretty good to me. Hell, I'd fuck him."

"You won't get the chance to." I tell him quickly, my thoughts more on Justin, who is beginning to look paler by the second. "Are you ok? Do you want to go home?"

"Ye-" Justin begins but is interrupted by Brian, who I'm beginning to realise may be drunk...or high on something. He has that stupid grin on his face and his eyes are glazed.

"He doesn't want to go home, Felix." Brian snaps. "What Sunshine needs...is a good Brian Kinney fuck...to make him feel better." he starts laughing then, his arms pulling Justin closer to him.

"Brian-" Justin begins to look very uneasy and is trying to get out of the embrace.

"What's the matter, Sunshine?" Brian asks. "You don't want the princess to know how much you like my fucks?"

My eyes narrow then. I really despise drunk people sometimes. They talk such utter nonsense.

"Let's go, Justin." I grab his hand and begin to walk away, but Brian's next words stop me cold.

"Why don't you tell him how much you liked it, Justin?"

Something inside of me snaps then. "What the hell's wrong with you?" I glare at Brian. "Lay off him!"

"Don't you even care?"

"No! Why should I care that you want to fuck Justin? He's a bloody good looking bloke."

And then I look into Brian's eyes and I understand that I've mis- interpreted his question...I see something else there too. Realisation.

I have to look at Justin and ask, "You'd tell me if you fucked Brian, wouldn't you?"

Justin quickly looks at Brian, who has an eyebrow raised, awaiting Justin's response no doubt.

"Felix-" Justin begins but I stop him. I'm not sure I want to hear this right now...if I can handle this...but I ask anyway.

"You'd tell me if Brian was the fucker you're in love with, wouldn't you?" I demand. "You wouldn't have kept something as important as that blimming fact from me now, would you...?"

It's written all over his face though. All the answers...lies...truths.

And I can't help but feel like a fucking fool.

"Felix, let me explain!" Justin starts.

"Explain what, Justin? You don't have to explain-" Brian interjects.

"Shut up, Brian!"

I've heard enough though.

I stare into those beautiful blue eyes one last time...mirrors of my own really...and I really hate him at that moment.

I'll love him again tomorrow but right now...I hate him. I pull my hand away from his and make my way for the exit.

- top - Meet Felix - home -
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