AS YOU ARE
Part 13

Thanks to the betas- Mandi, Connie, Lois, Darren & Acacia.

BRIAN's POV

I don't know what the fuck to say right about now. I can't seem to even get my mouth to open, I'm so shocked...this was the last thing I expected to hear...

We're both saved, it seems, from saying anything we may regret later. Simultaneously, his cell phone rings and Gus starts crying.

I go to Gus, lift him and rock him gently. His cries stop immediately.

"Had a bad dream, Sonnyboy?" I ask softly, trying to soothe him back to sleep with my voice, a trick I learned from both Lindsay and Justin.

Slowly, he begins to drift back to sleep. I don't put him down though, but continue to hold him as I half listen to Justin's conversation. That may be wrong, but I have to, especially when I realize who it is...Felix.

"Yeah." I hear him say.

"I'm fine. It's late, that's all. I..."

Justin turns around and I pretend to be fully engrossed in my duty of taking care of Gus. He starts whispering so I have to move slightly closer to hear what's being said.

"Yeah, everything's already there." I hear him whisper.

That little fuck! He's already upstairs. I can't help but shake my head, annoyed. Justin is slowly changing into a person I don't know. First a liar. Then a cheater. Now a manipulator...feeding me lie after lie after lie. When did I become so fucking gullible? I remind myself it's Justin...why would I doubt anything he tells me?

"What do you mean 'you won't be able to come back this week?'" Justin asks angrily.

I want to laugh but don't. 'Trouble in paradise already' it seems.

"Whatever! I don't care."

Ha ha ha, I want to scream out.

"Don't tell me what the fuck to do!"

I can't help but let a grin slip out now.

"Well FUCK YOU!"

He snaps the phone closed and turns back to me. "I've got to go."

"Not too far though, right up the stairs." I say coldly. I want him to know I KNOW...I want him to be uncomfortable. I want him to STOP playing games with me...to stop messing with my fucking heart...

He lowers his gaze to the floor before turning back to look at me again. "You shouldn't be listening to my phone-call."

"Well, you shouldn't be here, it seems." I put Gus back in his portable crib before turning back to him. "Especially if all you're doing is coming here to feed me bullshit."

"What?"

"Why didn't you just tell me you had already moved in?"

He sighs. "I...I don't know."

But he does. He knows why. I know why.

It's over. He's made the all important move...by moving on...and he's scared...because it now makes it harder for him to come back to me...makes it harder for me to go to him...

What the fuck does he expect me to say? Or do?

"I'm gonna go." he walks quickly to the door and this time, I don't try to stop him. He opens the door and turns back to me, "Thanks, Brian."

"What for?" I ask, an eyebrow raised.

His eyes glisten, the tears threatening to spill again. "For always being there for me."

A tear falls free but he doesn't wipe at it. He begins to slide the door close from the other side but just before he closes it completely, he mouths, "I love you."

And then he's gone.

And he's left me again...my heart breaking.

Out of sheer boredom and because I've been neglecting the boys, I set out to Babylon tonight. I was working on an account when Mikey called and told me to meet the gang. I didn't give him time to beg tonight, just said I'd be there. I haven't gotten laid in so long, I think it's a record for me. I just haven't had the time...or maybe it's a lack of interest in anything but my work...

"Brian!" I see Mikey waving at me from his spot at the bar.

Nodding to the bartender for a beer, I lean over and kiss Mikey, smack on the lips. "Where's the Professor?"

Mikey smiles. "On the dance floor, where else?"

"So why aren't you with him?"

"I was waiting for you."

I give him a smile but it's forced. Everytime I think Mikey may be over this infatuation he has with me, he says something to make me wonder. I'm not upset by it...why should I be? Everyone needs to have someone to worship...someone to follow...
I'm everything he's always wanted to be... but I promised myself a long time ago that I'd never cross that line...not with him. He's all I have when the tricks have all gone home... He's always there, on my side when no one else is. I can't lose Mikey. He means the world to me...and I do love him...I'll ALWAYS love Mikey...just not in the way he'd like me to...

"So how did it go with Justin?" he asks.

I prop myself up on the bar and search the crowd. "How'd what go?"

"You know what!" Mikey says, annoyed. "Why don't you tell me?"

I give him a bored glance. "Because it's none of your fucking business." When I see his hurt look, I add, "Plus, nothing happened."

He looks as though he doesn't believe me but who the fuck cares? Why can't they all just stop meddling and stay out of my fucking business?

A semi-naked blond about 22 is staring at me...smiling...he wants me. He licks his fingers and starts touching his bare nipple. I feel myself harden...until I spot the nipple ring there...and I turn away quickly.

"Let's go meet the guys then?" Mikey suggests, oblivious to what just happened,

I finish off the beer and follow him to the dance floor. Ben has lost his shirt, his body on display for everyone to admire...myself included. Mikey pulls him into his arms and they begin to dance.

On one side are Emmett and Ted, kissing like there's no tomorrow. I snort and begin to scan the crowd for a playmate this evening.

I don't have to look far, he's a few feet away, dancing and staring at me provocatively. And he's not blond. Things are definately looking up. I grin at him and he hurries over.

"Hi." he smiles drunkenly. He can't be more than 24; he's lean and cute.

We dance for a while and then I kiss him. He's not so good at it...actually he's pretty bad...but what the hell. I'm just looking for a quick fuck...

I start pulling him along to the backroom. But then I have to stop. Because I'm either going blind...or I think I see Justin.

The twink tries to push me forward. "Why'd you stop?"

I don't answer him, continue to stare at that blond head. Turn around, I want to shout at the blond...and he does. And it IS fucking Justin...
I let go of the twink's hand and walk towards Justin. He's lost his shirt, as Ben had, and is surrounded by men, all wanting him...some are touching him...and he's letting them... Thankfully, that's all they're doing. It still pisses me off.

I push my way through until I'm face to face with him. His eyes are closed and he's moving his slim hips provocatively to the beat of the music, so he doesn't notice me...But when he finally opens them and he sees me, he smiles, lighting up the room.

"Brian!" he screams and winds his arms around my neck.

I want to scream at him, JUSTIN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? He's wasted and horny, if the hard cock pressing against my thigh is any indication of the latter. And where the FUCK is Felix? Can't that bastard look after him properly?

I remove his hands from around my neck, but hang onto them, and glare at him. He's pouting and those lucious pink lips are begging me to suck on them. I refuse to give into him again. He realizes this and pulls his hands out of my grasp.

"Leave me alone, Brian." he says, annoyed.

"You're going home." I tell him firmly.

He turns his back on me but I grab his wrist and begin pulling him toward the exit. I'm going to fucking kill him tomorrow for pulling this shit.

"Brian!" he shouts when we get outside.

I keep walking, still gripping his wrist firmly. When we get to the jeep, I open his side first.

"Brian!" Justin slaps my shoulder.

I turn to him now but say nothing. Just stare at him, eyes cold as ice. He sees how upset I am and for once, he shuts up and calms down. I don't even have to tell him to get into the jeep.

When I'm settled on my side, I notice he has his arms around his bare chest protectively. I take off my jacket and hand it to him but he just stares at it blankly. I have to put it on him, he's so spaced out right now. And it fucking pisses me off.  Before I turn the key, I stare out through the windshield for a while...then at him again. His eyes are now closed but he's not asleep...not yet.

I put on the radio and 'The Tragically Hip's - It's A Good Life If You Don't Weaken' is playing. I go to switch the station but Justin stops me.

"Can I hear this song?" he asks softly.

I leave it, turn the key and start driving.

*O' for a good life, we just might have to weaken... and find somewhere to go...go somewhere we're needed...find somewhere to grow...grow somewhere we're needed*

At a red light, I stop and glance at Justin. Tears are silently rolling down his face, onto his chest, landing on my jacket... I want to reach out and touch him but the light turns green...I'll take care of him later.

We get to the loft and as I park, he jumps out quickly.

"Hang on a minute." I tell him.

We walk to the elevator in silence, his hand in mine. I press the button for my floor and he presses the one to his.

"Justin-"

"No, Brian." he whispers softly, the tears dry, but glistening trails remaining on his face.

I don't argue...I ride up to his floor and follow him to his door.

Once inside, that night suddenly flashes before me. I want to run. Away from this place. It's still all so vividly clear. It will make it hard to forget it again...especially after how hard I've been trying to forget the last time I was here.

Justin shrugs off my jacket from his shoulders and it slips to the floor. He walks straight to the bedroom and quickly undresses... as he stands beside the bed, naked, he looks up at me.

"Brian." he says softly, eyes pleading.

I shake my head. No, I won't do this again, Justin. But his gaze is locked onto mine. "Please...Don't leave me tonight."

And I hear his voice shake...seconds before the tears spill once again. I watch him slip into the bed...reaching for me. I know I should walk out that door right now...but I can't.

I lock the door and walk towards the bedroom. As I stare down at his pale, shaking body, I feel something tugging at my gut. I want to ask him why he's doing this to himself? I thought he was supposed to be happy... what went wrong?

But all I do is crawl into bed with him. The minute my body hits the mattress, he's on top of me, hugging me tight.

"Brian," he cries. "Don't leave me, Brian."

I cup the back of his head in the palm of my hand and gently squeeze. Pulling him forward, I kiss his forehead and then try to kiss the tears away.

"Say it, Brian," he begs. "Say you won't leave me."

His blue eyes are staring into mine...the sadness obvious in them. "I won't leave you." I whisper and he sighs in relief.

And then his mouth is on mine, nibbling on my lips.

I try to slow him down but there's no stopping him. He slips his hands into my own and slows the pace of the kiss. His warm tongue slowly explores my mouth...it's been so long since we've been this close...I feel as though he's trying to memorize my mouth with his tongue...

When he finally pulls away, panting, he closes his eyes and rests his forehead against my own in an attempt to calm his breathing. I use that opportunity to shift positions rolling him over, so he's underneath me.

His bright blue eyes open to look into mine. He realizes he's going to get his way again, and slips an arm around my neck, interlocking his hands with my own...as if we're dancing. I lean down and brush my lips against his. We stare at each other until a single tear slips from his eye.

I reach up and grab the lube and a condom from the nightstand. I won't think about who's bed I'm in...what they must do in here...what I'm about to do in here now...

I open the condom packet with my teeth and slip it onto my hard dick.  Raising his legs so that they're over my shoulders, I lean down and kiss him. He gasps into my mouth when I insert a finger into his tight hole...shivers when the cold lube is applied...

And then slowly...gently...I enter him, our eyes locked, our hands glued together. I thrust harder, see the pleasure on his face and increase the pace.
He's whispering my name in a melodic chant... music to my ears. I don't want to stop...I want to be inside of him forever...this feeling is so incredible.

He applies pressure to my hand and I slow the pace a little, lean down and kiss his swollen lips. In his eyes, I see every emotion spilling out. All the sadness...pain...fear...and love.

"Brian." he pleads huskily, and just like that, I increase the pace again.

I've never felt this close to another man, as I do with Justin when we make love. It's as though he's a part of me..as if he's taking part of me every time I let myself go.. and it used to scare me... but not anymore. I want him to know me... every part of me. Because I want to know HIM...

I close my eyes when I cum...mere seconds after he does.

But the last thing I hear before I fall asleep is something I haven't heard in so long...something I didn't think I'd ever want to hear from any man...

"I love you, Brian." Justin tells me sleepily.

I can't get my mouth open to reply...but I'm thinking it... I'm thinking it... I'm thinking it...and I'm feeling it.

I'm thinking that I was a fucking fool for ever letting him go...  for fighting this attraction for as long as I did...because from the start, it was a losing battle. He was always the winner... he just never realized it.

But I'm not going to run away anymore. I'm ready to become someone better... I'm ready to be with him.

I wonder if he can read my thoughts..because I'm thinking it again...

"I love you too, Justin."

- top - Meet Felix - home -
[ 1 ] [ 2 ] [ 3 ] [ 4 ] [ 5 ] [ 6 ] [ 7 ] [ 8 ] [ 9 ] [ 10 ]
[ 11 ] [ 12 ] [ 13 ] [ 14 ] [ 15 ] [ 16 ] [ 17 ] [ 18 ] [ 19 ] [ 20 ]