AS YOU ARE
Part 14

Thanks to my muppets, Mandi, Connie, Lois, Darren & Acacia.

JUSTIN's POV

Something's buzzing in my ear...annoying me. I open an eye hoping to see whatever it is... make it go the hell away.

Then, coming out of my sleep dazed fog, I realize it's just the telephone...and the ringing won't fucking stop. I hear a 'beep' and then, "Baby? Are you there? Pick up."

It's Felix. I grab the receiver quickly. "Hey," I mumble sleepily.

"Did I wake you?" he's sounding awfully cheery.

"Yeah," I say as I wipe away the drool on the side of my mouth with my free hand. "Where are you?"

"New York," he tells me. "I'll be back today."

I yawn as I slowly get off the bed, my feet connecting with the cool floor. "Fuck!" I mutter.

"What's the matter?" Felix asks.

"Nothing. I've got a fucking headache," I tell him as I rake a hand through my hair. "Do you miss me?'

"Absolutely,"

"I miss you, too," I groan. "I feel so fucked!"

"Did you go out last night?"

"I think so," I grumble. "Ok, yea, I did."

There's a long pause. "With Brian?"

My eyes widen. Brian. Fuck! I turn around quickly and there he is...in my bed, naked ...watching me with cold hazel eyes.

I inwardly groan. "No," I answer Felix.

"Listen, I've got a surprise for you,"

So do I, I want to shout out. Instead, I mutter, "A surprise?"

"Yeah...but I'm not sure how you're going to react to it."

You'd kill me if you knew my surprise, I think to myself.

"Fuck, I've got to go," Felix says quickly. "I should be there this evening."

"Okay, See you soon," I say and hang up.

Brian's still watching me, waiting for me to say something...anything.

But what the hell am I supposed to say? I hold my head as I walk into the bathroom, naked.

Opening the cabinet above the sink, I grab the aspirin bottle and pour a few into the palm of my hand, swallow them down quickly as I gulp down water from the faucet.

I walk back inside the bedroom and notice Brian getting dressed. He turns away when he sees me.

I am so fucked. What the hell am I doing? Like a fucking girl, I'm running to Brian every time I don't get my way... or when I DO get my way... I can't fucking handle it anymore.

Did we fuck? We must have. I feel as though we fucked. But Brian wouldn't fuck me... would he?

Shit! I can't do this to Felix. I honestly care about him... maybe even love him a little. And he loves me a lot...a lot more than Brian...or anyone else ever has.

I can't trust Brian to keep his mouth shut... he'll want Felix to know... want to hurt him...hurt me.

I fall back into bed, my hands behind my head as I stare up at Brian. I see his eyes moving up...from my toes to my dick, which hardens immediately... before locking onto my eyes.

He watches me coldly before pulling his eyes away and turns his back on me.

"What?" I shout as I spring up from the bed.

"Did I say anything?" Brian throws over his shoulder.

"But you're thinking it," I tell him angrily.

"You don't know what the fuck I'm thinking," he spits out.

"I can just imagine," I mutter as I fall back on the pillows. I shouldn't have shouted at him... now my headache is twice as bad. FUCK!

Brian turns around to glare at me. "Everything you ever wanted to hear?"

"That you think I'm a fucking slut? A liar...a cheater?"

He laughs mockingly. "Is that what you think?"

I shrug. It's the truth. Even I know that.

"Fuck off, Brian," I mutter as I close my eyes. My head is fucking pounding, it hurts so bad.

"You ungrateful fucking twat!" He's standing next to the bed, a hand on his hip, his eyes glaring at me.

I snort. I know I'm being stupid and immature but I don't know what the hell to do...or say. I'm already so fucked... can anything else go wrong?

I say the first thing that comes into my head, "Want me to bend down and kiss your feet? Thank you for bringing me home and putting me to bed?"

Brian shakes his head, his eyes showing disgust.

"Stop looking at me like that!" I scream at him. "Just fuck off! Leave me the fuck alone!"

I bury my face in a pillow... I want to bawl my eyes out. And Brian just won't go away. I don't want him here anymore... to remind me of what I really am.

I don't know how long he stands there staring at my naked back, but finally, I hear his deep sigh and his retreating footsteps... the door slides open and then slams shut.

I remove the pillow and sit up. He's gone. I throw the pillow at the doorway in frustration. Fuck you, Brian! I want to scream. FUCK YOU!

But I'm already screaming inside, because I've gone and fucked myself.

"Justin, this is Hugo. Hugs, this is the infamous boyfriend I've been telling you about." Felix makes the introductions as soon as he's inside the loft, the other man struggling behind with a suitcase.

THIS is my fucking surprise? HUGO?

Felix is watching me with a guarded expression. I try to keep my own emotions inside. I'm still rattled after what happened last night...and this morning...with Brian.

I don't want to think about Brian, especially not now, with Felix back from his trip, standing in front of me looking so devilishly handsome. It feels so good to see him... be near him... knowing he missed me... and I really have missed him... he's starting to grow on me.

Hugo has short black hair and is blue eyed like I am. He's on the skinny side, no bubble butt. He's a little taller, but barely. His face looks familiar so I must have seen him on some magazine or another.

He stretches out his hand and I shake it.

"Thanks so much for letting me stay here," he says with a smile.

I arch a brow...or try to. "It's not my place," I explain to him. If it were up to me, you definitely wouldn't be here, I want to add. But I don't say another word.

Felix slips an arm around my waist pulling me close. "It is too your place," he whispers before taking my mouth in his for a long kiss. He tastes like cigarettes and tequila. They must have stopped off somewhere for a drink first. Or had a few shots on the plane.

When he pulls back, he groans tiredly. "I need a bloody shower. Do I reek?"

I clasp his hand in mine as I lean closer to smell him. "Yea, you do. We should get you cleaned up."

He laughs and lets me pull him towards the bathroom. "Hugs, make yourself comfy."

In the bathroom, we undress quickly and get under the warm water. He pulls me to him, his hand slapping at my butt.

Leaning down, he plants a kiss on my nose. "I missed you so fucking much."

I turn the water pressure down and grab the soap, making a lather. "I missed you too."

He snakes a tongue out licking the beads of water on my shoulder, slowly making his way up to meet my mouth. I open it so he can ease in and work his magic. He has a finger sliding against my crack, teasing me. I let a moan slip out.

"Do you like that?" he asks huskily.

I groan as he inserts the finger in forcefully. It feels so fucking good, I let the soap slip out of my hand. I pull away and kneel down to retrieve it...and come face to face with his hard cock. I take him into my mouth and suck him off... welcome him home in my own special way...

After all, he deserves it.

"It's the fucking Pitts, honey.... I don't know what the fuck he's doing here. He's playing house, that's what.... Fuck me if I know!"

I raise a head sleepily. The clock display shows it's 7 am. Fuck! Who the fuck's awake at this goddamn hour?

Hugo's sprawled out on the sofa, his bare legs visible from where I am. Felix is snoring contentedly next to me, oblivious to the fucking QUEEN on his phone.

I huff as I get off the bed... fully intending to give HUGO a piece of my fucking mind!

But as I approach the sofa, I hear, "But you should see him! He's fucking divine. I can't blame Felix for wanting to stick around."

He's talking about me...so I stop, stand still for a minute and listen. "No honey, he's blonde. I wouldn't say gorgeous. If it wasn't for that butt. And those pouty lips. Fuck me, I think I'm getting hard!"

He lets out a loud laugh which makes me cringe.

I hear my stomach grumble and make my way to the kitchen. I can always sleep later. I'm craving something sweet so I pour myself some cereal and slam the fridge door after I get the milk.

Five minutes later, Hugo's sitting on a stool next to me, munching on his cereal too.

"So how long have you two been living together?" Hugo asks.

"Less than a week," I tell him.

He arches a perfectly shaped brow. "Is that all? He fancies you rotten, you must know that?"

I don't answer him... as good as I normally am with strangers, there's something about him I don't trust.

He points a spoon at me. "You don't like me much, do you?"

I snort. How perceptive...and they say models are dumb? "I don't know you."

He grins, flashing perfectly white teeth and candy floss gums. "I have a feeling that's all going to change."

Well, I don't.

I get off the stool and make my way to the bathroom. While I'm up, I may as well seize the day. "Carpe Diem." I've got some business to take care off... I owe someone an apology.

"Surprise, surprise. Do you have any idea how fucking early it is?"

"It's 9 am," I tell Brian with a smile. I must have woken him up.

Brian's always so grumpy in the morning. It was one of the things I hated when I lived with him. He'd be silent or fucking sarcastic. Felix, on the other hand, is the total opposite. Most mornings, he's sickenly cheery.

Brian's glaring at me, his hazel eyes flashing. But then he turns his back and I follow him inside. He pours himself a cup a coffee but doesn't offer me. I don't want any anyway.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?" he asks coldly. I'm hoping the hot, black liquid will melt away his icy exterior.

I lean against the pole and watch him. "I came to apologize."

His blue robe is threatening to loosen and I can tell he's wearing nothing underneath.

Gripping the coffee cup in his hand, he walks over to the sofa and sits, so I follow. The robe has given way so his chest and most of his legs are all on display.

"Apologize?" he snorts.

I touch his arm. "I was a fucking jerk."

He pulls away from my touch slightly. It bothers me, but I say nothing.

"Among other things," he says as he takes another sip of coffee.
 
I shrug. "You were so nice to me."

I look up at him and realize he's staring at me. I lean in to kiss his bare shoulder.

"What are you doing, Justin?" he asks softly.

He's on his feet glaring down at me before I can answer.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" he shouts.

I swallow. "Huh? I told you-"

"You're a fucking liar!" he shouts. "Why are you really here? Another pity fuck?"

"Pity fuck?" I stammer out. "Brian-"

"Not this time, Justin," he mutters. "I'm fucking sick of all your games."

That pisses me off. I stand up and raise a hand in confusion. "Games? What the fuck are you talking about?"

Brian clenches his fists. "Get out."

I take a deep breath. "Brian, please-"

"GET THE FUCK OUT!" he shouts.

It reminds me of the time I forgot to set his alarm and most of his stuff got stolen... he was so pissed at me. I wonder what he's gone and lost now to put him in this foul mood...

I stare at him for a few seconds longer before walking away. I slide the door open and glance in his direction once more. He's sitting on the sofa now, his head in his hands. I close the door and walk back towards him slowly.

I sit next to him... touch his shoulder. He looks up at me. And I see him fighting to stay in control...

"Brian-" I start but he interrupts me.

"You little shit," he mutters.

"Brian, what's going on?"

He laughs mockingly. "As if you don't know."

That annoys me. "Would I be asking if I knew?"

He grins. "Looks like you won, Sunshine."

"Won?" I ask, confused. "Won what?"

He leans into me to whisper against my mouth. "What you wanted from the start. Me."

He has his mouth on mine then, sucking at my tongue greedily. I lose myself in the kiss temporarily before I regain my senses and push him away.

"Stop," I demand.

"Stop?" he repeats. "Don't tell me you don't want the goods anymore?"

How can he even ask me that? If I still want him.. he's ALL I've ever wanted. But things are complicated now... I'm involved with someone else... someone I honestly care about... someone I'm even beginning to love. I can't just give up on Felix... not now... knowing how much he cares about me... what he's given up for me... his home...his friends. I can't hurt him... because then I'd be no better than Brian...caring about no one but myself...

"I'm seeing someone, Brian," I tell him calmly.

He snorts. "Your knight in shining armour," he mocks. "The one who'll have picnics with you and charm your pants off with some fancy smancy words. Oh wait, that was your fiddler. The one you thought you were in love with, but who you dropped almost as quickly as you did me."

That hurts, that really fucking hurts.

"Don't act as if it isn't true," Brian whispers mockingly when he sees the hurt expression on my face. "You talk about love, how much you want someone to love you. Well, you turned your back on it...when you turned your back on me."

I can't help but snort at that one. "What the fuck do you know about love?" I spit out nastily. "You're all about fucking, Brian. You don't know the first thing about a relationship or commitment."

"That may be true, but you're the fucking cheater," he reminds me.

"He loved me!" I shout at him angrily by way of explanation. And just to hurt him, I add, "And I loved him!"

"Why?" Brian asks. "Because he fed you a few lines? Whispered sweet nothings in your ear? What fucking bullshit!"

"It was a helluva lot more than I ever got from you!" I remind him spitefully.

He laughs mockingly. "More than you'll ever fucking get from me!" He stares into my eyes, the disgust obvious in them. "You knew how hard it was for me and still... you fucking left."

I won't feel guilty. I fucking WILL NOT! I did what was best for me. HE wanted me to leave. HE made me leave. How dare he make me feel bad about it now?

"You go ahead and forget everything Justin," Brian said softly. "Forget the good, the bad and the ugly. Forget about everything we shared...forget about me."

"What do you want from me?" I shout at him as I get off the sofa. "I won't go back to the past, Brian. Even if it is with you."

He leans back on the sofa, his eyes still locked onto mine. "What if there were some changes?"

My heart skips a beat. "Changes?" I stammer out. "What sort of changes?"

"Any and everything you want," he says softly.

"No more tricking?"

"If that's what it takes,"

I'm tempted. I'm so tempted. I'm getting the Brian Kinney I've always wanted...wrapped about my finger.
But then I see Felix.. his happy face smiling up at me... telling me he loves me... he wants to spend his life making me happy... And I owe him a chance... to at least try to do all the things he wants to... I can't put Brian first anymore... I have to take care of myself...

Brian arches an eyebrow awaiting my response.

"I... I can't," I close my eyes.

I hear him stand up. When I re-open my eyes, he's walking towards the bathroom.

"Brian-"

He stops and turns around to face me. "So be it. You made your choice. Now get the fuck out."

- top - Meet Felix - home -
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