AS YOU ARE
Part 17

JUSTIN's POV

I hate them! I hate them! I hate them! Fucking Brian!  Brian fucking, fucking Hugo!

How could they do this to me? Brian knew it was no trick I was dancing with. He KNEW! That didn't stop him though, from going after Hugo and taking him home to fuck him. My plea fell on deaf ears. All Brian wanted to do was hurt me... and sure enough, he did. This can only mean one thing...he hates me.

I wanted to run after them as they walked out of Babylon, beg Brian to stop. My feet stayed glued to the floor though. Thank God I didn't start crying until much later, when I was in my loft.

How could Brian be so cruel? Fucking a stranger, fine, but my friend? That's unbelievable, even for him.

In the loft, I cried and cried, praying for it all to just be a bad dream. Praying that Hugo was not in Brian's bed, the same bed that I would curl up against him in...where he'd hold me and kiss me to sleep... hug me when I had a bad dream.

NO! HE shouldn't be there! Not with Brian...

I quickly wiped my tears away and started throwing his belongings into a bag. I was in a rage! I dragged it down the stairs, not caring if anything broke or tore and banged on Brian's door until he finally opened it.

He looked at me like I was crazy. Then I saw Hugo in the bedroom... in our fucking bed. Something inside me just snapped. I spat out such vile things to him but I could've said more...a lot more. I told Brian what I thought of him too and then I left.

But I meant every word.

I never want to see Brian Kinney again for as long as I live.

My plan doesn't work. Bright and early the next morning, Brian walks into the diner, his eyes scanning the room, searching.

When he spots me, he walks over.

"Justin-" he starts but I interrupt him.

"I'm busy," I tell him coldly.

The place is packed so I'm not lying. I'm grateful for the available excuse though because I really have nothing to say to him.

"I need to talk to you," he says quietly, his eyes trying to meet mine.

I don't give in, keep my head lowered as I pretend to try and work the cash register. "I have nothing left to say to you, Brian."

He puts his hand over mine and applies pressure. "Stop being a fucking twat," he snaps. "We fucked up all right? I did something shitty."

I look up quickly, lock eyes with him. "WE?" I ask angrily. "Not we, YOU!"

The diner bell is going going off and I'm aware Deb's going to come out any minute and rip me a new one for ignoring it.

"So this is all my fault, huh?" Brian asks annoyed. "Fine!" He leans down to whisper, "Come and get your trash. I'm through with it."

And then he walks away. It's so typical of Brian. He's a selfish prick who cares about no one but himself.

"Sunshine!" Deb shouts from the back. "Have you suddenly gone deaf? You got tables to bus!"

I sigh as I pull my gaze away from the door.

I'm getting sick and tired of this fucked up game. When in the hell will it end?

Felix surprises me by coming home a day early. Deep inside I'm overjoyed but I can't seem to get a smile out. Thank God he's too busy hugging me to notice. His hold is tighter than usual and he can't stop saying how much he's missed me.

He kisses my face, as if his lips have taken over and can't function enough to find mine.

I don't say much, just let him drag me to the bed. He's a slow and gentle lover tonight. It's too much for me to bear, him being so good to me and what has happened in the past 24 hours...because as soon as I cum, I burst into tears.

"Hey," Felix gently starts wiping away my tears. "What's wrong, baby?"

I can't get the words out and I'm struggling to stop crying.

Felix holds me close, his voice tender and soothing.

We stay wrapped up in each others arms for what seems like eternity, my head pressed against his chest, his hand slowly drawing lazy circles on my back. I can hear the strong beat of his heart. Every so often, a little hiccup would escape me.

"Felix?" I say softly.

"Hmmm?" he kisses my sweaty forehead.

"I threw Hugo out,"

"I see."

He doesn't sound surprised. "You already knew?"

"He called me."

I pull out of his hold to look into his navy eyes. "What did you say?"

He leans down to brush his lips against my own, just a brief touch. "I told him you had the right. This is your place too,"

I bite my bottom lip to stop the tears. Why is this man always so good to me? How could I not love him?

Felix brushes the hair away from my face. "Can I ask you something?"

I nod permission and he says, "Why do you let Brian get to you so much?"

I fall back on my pillow and sigh. "I don't know." I reply in a whisper.

Felix props himself up on an elbow. "I don't like it." He says firmly. "He's playing some fucking game with you and whatever it is, I don't think it's doing you any good."

I try to look away but he holds my face in his hand. "Hear me out, that's all I ask." I don't say anything so he continues, "I may not have been around to watch Brian screw you around before, but I'm here now. I love you, Justin and it breaks my heart to watch you tear yourself apart over him."

"I'm not!" I contradict. "I'm with you now!"

"Are you really...with me?" he asks softly.

I swallow. He's right. I haven't been giving him my all. I've cheated on him...with Brian. I've lied to him...about Brian. And I've been extremely moody lately...all because of Brian.

But Felix is wrong. I do care about him. I do want to be with him.

"I love you," I whisper, my eyes begging him to believe me.

It's amazing to watch the transformation that comes over his face. Pure joy is what it is.

"Do you really?' he asks happily.

I grin. "I do love you, Felix." And finally realize I do. I really do love him.

He kisses me, his tongue gently mating with my own. When he pulls away, he fingers my cheek.

"Then come with me," he says softly.

"Anywhere," I tell him dreamily.

"This place..." he sighs. "It has nothing to offer you anymore, Justin."

I lower my lids, fully understanding.

"You can have so much in Europe," he says. "If you stay here...I don't know, baby. I just don't see you going anywhere."

I know what he's saying is right. I've often thought after PIFA I would travel a lot.

"I don't know," I tell him. "What about school? And my friends?"

He cups my face in his hand once again. "You can transfer. University in France is free!" he says excitedly. "And friends...Friends...Justin, those people you call friends don't care anything about you. If they did, they would make an effort to come see you, go out with you, be a part of your life."

He's right. Ted, Emmett, Lindsay, Melanie, Michael... they've all turned their backs on me. They still talk to me and I work with Michael because I have to but... when do they ever make an effort to be with me?

"So what do you think?" Felix asks.

I smile. "Can I think about it?"

He pulls me close. "Of course you can, baby."

The next day, I find myself at the diner. I've got the letter in my back pocket...the letter that will seal my fate.

All of the boys are there, even Brian. He looks at me as I walk toward their booth.

"Sunshine!" Deb pulls me into her arms, planting a red lipstick kiss on my cheek. "What are you doing here? You've got the day off."

I smile at her. "I know, I need to give you this."

She snaps her bubble gum and sticks a palm out. I take a deep breath before putting the paper in her hand. I really wish I didn't have to do this in front of everyone...but it's better this way. I can say my goodbyes now and get on with my life.

Deb opens the letter and begins reading. It's just my notice of leave. I thought I should quit properly and not just never show up at work again.

Ted and Emmett are eating and talking but Brian and Mikey are silent. I don't pay much attention. My stomach is growling smelling the food in here.

"Justin..." Deb looks up at me. "Why...what's going on?"

Emmett stops talking and looks up at me. It seems they're ALL looking up at me now.

I force a smile. "You always said I could do better, Deb," I tell her. "Well, I decided to take your advice."

"What?" Emmett puts his fork down. "Are you leaving?"

"Leaving? Justin..." Ted butts in.

"I'm going to Europe," I announce. "Felix is looking for a place for us now, in London, but he says we can go anywhere I want."

Emmett claps his hands in excitement, the tears glistening in his eyes. "Oh, baby," he sighs. "I'm so happy for you."

I look at Brian but his head is lowered hiding the expression on his face. I doubt he cares though...and I shouldn't be concerned about what he thinks. I'm supposed to hate him.

"You can't go, Justin!" Mikey says angrily. "What about the comic book?"

"Fuck the comic book!" Deb shouts. "What about all of us? Your friends...your family? Does your mom know about this?"

I shove my hands into the pockets of my jacket. "I have to do what's best for me, Deb."

She sighs. Then I'm in her arms in a bear hug. "I'm going to miss you so much, Sunshine," she says, tears streaming down her face. "When are you leaving?"

"Deb," I laugh. "You're killing me. And we're leaving on Monday."

"Christ!" Deb mutters. "That's just two days away. You could have told us a little sooner, you know!"

Now Emmett and Ted are hugging me, telling me how much fun I'll have and how they'll come and visit me.

Mikey keeps staring at Brian but finally, he gets up, smiles awkwardly and hugs me. "Good luck."

Brian is the last to say anything. He doesn't do much, just stares at me with his unreadable hazel eyes.

"What about school?" he asks.

"I'll take care of everything," I assure him.

He nods and smiles. Nothing else...

"Honey!" Emmett screams at me. "We gotta throw you a party!"-

I try to say no, but they won't have it. A party I must have. A Sunshine farewell party...

"I think that's a great idea," Brian says finally. "We'll throw him a party he'll never forget."

Oh, shit.  I think to myself.

14/11/02
18/11/02 - Krissypig

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