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AS YOU ARE BRIAN's POV It's late when he finally arrives...two hours later than expected. The 40-odd people that showed up, some invited, most not, are having a blast - taking over the dance floor and bar. They didn't care about the short notice. A party and free alcohol is all they needed to hear. I watch Justin as he walks in, his hands in the pockets of that hideous jacket I've been trying to get him to throw away for months. He's biting his full bottom lip nervously and his eyes are searching the crowd for a familiar face. A couple of guys pat his shoulder and offer him congratulations as they pass by. Justin smiles slightly and nods his head. He struggles to get the jacket off and folds it over his arm. It must have taken a lot of courage for him to finally decide to come. But he's here now and minus his blonde playmate. Just the way I wanted it. I stand at the bar and watch the lesbians run over to his side. "Baby, we're going to miss you so much!" Melanie says as she throws an arm over his shoulder, the other gripping a half-filled martini glass. She's so pitiful, gets drunk everytime she goes out. Lindsay needs to loosen the strings a bit and let the girl have some fun once in a while. That way, she'll be less apt to embarrass the happy couple on these special occasions. Lindsay's on Justin's other side, a big smile on her face. "Where have you been?" she asks excitedly. "We were just about to send out a search party!" Justin looks as if he's going to collapse any second now. His eyes are red-rimmed and he can barely keep them open. He's either been crying non-stop or smoking a joint. I'm not sure which right about now. He forces a smile and says, "I was helping Felix pack. He...he had to leave tonight and...I wasn't sure I should still come...or just get on the plane with him." Little fucker! He would have blown us all off...and not looked back. "Well, we're glad you decided to stick around," Emmett joins the trio. "What are we going to do without you?" As if they cared two shits about him when he was around all this time! They're lying, hypocritical bastards. Every single last one of them. While they gush over him, I get myself another drink. The barkeep grins and tells me, "Great party." I smirk. Of course it's great. It's a Brian Kinney specialty. Everything I touch turns to gold. I can't help it if I'm perfect in every way, shape and form. "How ya holding up, kiddo?" Debbie's suddenly at my side. She's dressed in this horrible purple ensemble that just makes me think of Barney the dinosaur. It clashes with her red hair...like every other fucking thing does. I lift my glass in the air and smirk, "Me and Jim are doing just fine." She gives me this sad smile and I can feel it coming. "Brian-" "Not tonight, Deb," I plead. "Tell me how much I fucked everything up tomorrow. What a big mess I made of everything. Just leave me the fuck alone tonight." She chuckles but I can hear the sadness in it. I wonder if she can see the pain in my eyes...if she can smell the fear in me? This is all one big gamble I'm taking here tonight. She pats my back. "It's never too late," she advises before leaving. No, it's not. I realize that. But we'll see. I finish off the JB and slide the glass back to the barkeep. Leaning against the bar, I watch Justin again. He's struggling to pay attention to what everyone is telling him - Mel, Linds, Mikey, Ben, Emmett, Ted...and now Debbie. He lets them hug and kiss him, fawn all over him. Deb hands him a drink and he finishes it in one gulp. I laugh to myself. That's sign number one that little Sunshine is not having a good time. The guest of honour should be having a blast! I walk over to Justin and they all stop talking and stare at me...waiting to
see what I'll do, no doubt. "Do you want to dance?" I ask but I don't wait for a response, pull him onto the dance floor. I signal to the DJ and a familiar song comes on. When he hears it, I see the confusion in his eyes. I slip an arm around his waist and lift his arm with mine. Our fingers entwine and I begin to move us around the dance floor.
Suddenly, he stiffens and tries to pull away but I hold him tight. He has to finish this with me...that's the only way. "Relax," I whisper in his ear. "No one's going to hurt you this time. I promise." I know his memory of that night is not 100 percent. I wish I could erase all the bad and only let in the good, but we don't always get what we wish for. So I'll settle for replacing a few old memories with new ones.
He wraps his arms around my waist and cocks his head back to gaze into my eyes. His beautiful blue eyes glisten with unshed tears. I lean down to press my forehead against his and we close our eyes, oblivious to everything but each other.
"Why are you doing this?" he asks softly. "I thought you liked to dance?" I pretend I don't know what he's talking about in an attempt to lighten his mood. "I didn't mean that," he finally smiles slightly. "After all that I've done-" "Forget it," I tell him. His fingers are making circles on my back. To get him to stop because it's driving me to distraction, I twirl him around the dance floor again...around and around we go. We may look silly to everyone else, ballroom dancing in jeans and t-shirts. He's even wearing sneakers! To me though, he looks almost perfect.
I pull him back in my arms quickly and our lips are inches apart. He's panting and trying to regain control. I grip his waist and slowly dip him. He's into it now, dancing like we did that night. I can tell he's really enjoying himself, just like he did that night, because when I pull him back up, he's laughing and smiling that sunshine smile. Now, he's perfect.
The song ends and there's nothing but silence as we stop and stare into each other's eyes - hazel locked onto blue. Then Deb lets out a shriek...or maybe it's just a whistle. The effect is the same - Justin and I pull away from each other and the mob is on us. "That was amazing!" Linds gushes. "Where'd you learn how to do that?" Emmett asks Justin, as he pulls him into a hug. "Sunshine," Deb says. "That was beautiful." Justin blushes and lowers his lids before looking at me. "With a partner like Brian..." I shrug. "You're not bad either." Deb snorts. "You two are fucking amazing together!" Jesus Deb! She can't be a complete and utter moron! "I've got to go," he says quickly. "But Sunshine," Deb protests. "You just got here!" Justin kisses her cheek. "Felix sorta rearranged my flight for the morning," he tells us as he kisses Emmett and Ted. "I still need to pack and..." He doesn't finish the sentence because his voice breaks. He takes a deep breath and gives us all a final smile. Without looking at me once, he runs out of the loft. I want to run after him but I won't. I've done enough running. It's time he came to terms with his needs and desires...do his own fair share of chasing. If he decides to come back, I'll be right here. Waiting. Hoping. Praying. And if he doesn't, so be it. He'd have made his choice. 17/11/02
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