NO EXCUSES, NO APOLOGIES, NO REGRETS
Part 2 - Back To Normal

JUSTIN

The next morning, I'm frantic. Somehow, during the night, I must have knocked the alarm clock over on the floor. It never went off and when we finally do get up, it's 10 am. We run around like lunatics to get ready. I was supposed to meet mom at PIFA at 10 so I have no time for a shower or breakfast. Brian's being particularly grouchy– blaming me for us sleeping in and taking his frustration out on me.

“I've got a fucking meeting at 11!” he mutters under his breath as he searches through his closet for something to wear.

I ignore him and pull on my jeans and a t-shirt. I call my mom and tell her I'll be there as soon as possible.

“Where the fuck are my socks?” Brian barks at me.

I glare at him. “How the fuck am I supposed to know?”

He opens a drawer roughly. “You were unpacking your shit last night. Where'd you put my socks?”

I open a drawer and pull out a pair of black ones. He snatches them from my hand. “I can't give you a ride,” he grumbles.

“I didn't ask,” I answer quietly.

Grabbing my backpack from the side of the bed, I start making my way toward the door. It's amazing how ‘back-to-normal' everything is. It's slightly weird.

I give Brian one last look before leaving. Yep, 'back to normal.' I smile despite myself.

BRIAN

I've been feeling guilty all day – something I am not accostomed to - for the way I acted this morning. It wasn't Justin's fault we were both late. I shouldn't have let him leave thinking I was still pissed. But he knows I'm not much of a morning person.

I've tried his cell phone a few times, but all I get is voicemail. I am not going to apologize…sorry is bullshit…but I'll try to make it up to him…in my own way…or maybe in his.

I know I'm supposed to be trying harder, now that he's back. I just find it so easy to fall back into the same routine. Hugo was the first trick in a few weeks - a long time for me. I don't even feel like it…and now that Justin's back, I know he'll keep me busy.

“Brian,” Cynthia's voice interrupts my thoughts. “Michael's on line two.”

I pick up the phone immediately. “What's up?”

He laughs. “You won't believe how many copies of Rage I've sold today!"

“Next month's rent?” I joke and he laughs again.

“I'm so excited,” he giggles. I can actually hear it in his voice.

“Congratulations,” I tell him, smiling.

He says, “Woody's tonight?”

“Can't make it,” I say. I should be at the loft, it's only Justin's second night back.

“C'mon,” he whines. “We should do something fun!”

I hate it when he pushes after I've said no. People who beg annoy me – they remind me of trained dogs. I would never allow Justin to beg for anything, unless we're in bed, and then, and only then, it's ok.

“Not tonight,” I repeat.

He sighs. “Brian, I'm worried about you.”

“Worried about me?”

“Yeah…with Justin gone…I just thought…”

Here we go again.

I should probably tell him now – that Justin didn't leave. That he's actually living with me again. But I don't say anything. I don't have to fucking explain my life to anyone, Mikey included. Plus, I don't have the time right now…or the inclination.

“Mikey,” I say quickly. “I have another call. Thanks for the concern, but I've really got to go.”

I hang up and stare at the phone for a minute, wondering how he'll take the news when I do tell him.

Fuck! When did I become such a caring fuck?

JUSTIN

I get home and Brian's already there. I'm amazed to find him sitting on the duvet in the middle of the floor, naked, surrounded by food and a bottle of champagne. He's propped up on an elbow, staring at me as he slowly licks strawberry juice from his lips. I can see he started without me.

He grins wickedly at me and I turn a deep shade of crimson. Dropping my bag and scarf on the floor, I walk over to him and kneel down by his side.

“Hey,” I smile at him. “What's all this?”

He stuffs a few cushions behind his head and looks up at me. “Surprised?”

I grin. “A little,” I remark but he knows me better. He knows I'm ready to burst from pure joy.

He slaps my hip. “Why don't you get out of these clothes and come join me?” he suggests.

I don't need to be asked twice. Quickly, I strip down to my underwear. I glance at Brian and he shakes his head. "All of it." he whispers. I giggle, I'm beyond ecstatic! Brian's planned a picnic for me. A picnic! I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest. I can't stop grinning. I love this man so much and slowly, he's beginning to show me just how much he cares.

I straddle his hips joining him on the floor. His hands gently caress my thighs.

“How was school?” he asks.

I lean down to kiss him, my tongue meeting his briefly. I lick his lips then slowly suck the strawberry juice from them.

“Everything worked out,” I tell him when I sit back up. “But classes seemed to go on forever, and now I have to finish a fucking project that's due this week.”

Brian nods to let me know he's still listening as he dips another strawberry in whipped cream. He takes a bite, then offers me the other half. I lick his fingers, then take the fruit into my mouth.

His hazel eyes are fixed on mine, watching me with amusement. He pulls his hand away and slowly licks the remaining juice from his fingers before picking up another berry.

“Your mom ok?”

“She's fine,” I say, still chewing. “So what's all this?”

His fingers circle my navel before trailing up to my nipples. He pinches them lightly and they immediately perk up.

“I thought I should give you a welcome back party,” he says huskily.

I love this Brian – the sweet, romantic one. He rarely comes out but when he does, it's amazing. This is the man I love with every fiber of my being, the one I want to be with.

“Another party?” I question with a grin. “I think I like this one much better."

He cups my face in his hand, his thumb gently caressing my cheek.

“Brian-“

He pulls me down so that our foreheads touch. “Are you thirsty?” he asks. Then his mouth is on mine.

When we pull apart, panting, he gestures towards the champagne bottle. I hand it to him and he pours us both a glass. It's cool and bubbly. I love it!

“Hungry?” he asks. I know I don't have to answer. I'm always hungry. He breaks off a piece of bread and hands it to me.

“What happened to no carbs after 7?” I ask laughing.

He snorts. “It's not 7 yet,”

He's right. It's not even 6:30. He must have left work early to prepare all of this. I feel another leap in my heart and can't help but bend down to kiss him, sucking his champagne-covered lips.

My hands are gently following the contours of his chest as my gaze stays locked with his when suddenly, the loft door slides open.

I look up startled, and I'm staring at Michael.

MICHAEL

I must be dreaming. There is no other explanation. Here I was coming to check on Brian, make sure he's ok after that little asshole left and… he's right there! Justin's sitting on Brian, naked and staring me.

I can't fucking believe it.

Brian turns around and sees me. I hear his annoyed sigh before he pushes Justin off him and stands up.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” he asks me. “And what the fuck happened to your manners? Hell, what the FUCK happened to knocking?”

I glare at him. “I called your office and Cynthia said you left early!” I shout at him. “I didn't know what to think. I came to make sure you were ok, but I can see that you're perfectly fine!”

Justin stands up, a champagne glass in his hand. “Michael-“

“Justin,” Brian glares at him. “Go put some clothes on.”

I don't look at Justin, try to keep my eyes fixed on Brian. It's too weird…Justin naked, standing right in front of me. No wonder Brian keeps him around.

Justin ignores Brian and tries to explain to me what he's doing here…why he's not in England, where he's supposed to be – with FELIX!

“I'm sorry, Michael,” Justin continues. “It's just-“

“Justin!” Brian grabs him by the back of his neck, firmly, and pushes him in the direction of the bedroom. “Go and put on some fucking clothes and let me talk to Mikey. Alone.”

Justin decides to do as he's told and leaves us. Not that he has much of a choice.

Brian watches me, the annoyance obvious in his face. I wish he'd put some clothes on too. It can be distracting arguing with a man who has a huge boner!

“When were you going to tell me?” I ask him.

“Tell you what?” he asks. “This is none of your business, Mikey.”

That ticks me off. I'm always there for Brian, whenever he needs me. He knows I'm just worried about him. I know what Justin is capable of. Yet everytime I try to talk about Justin, it's always none of my fucking business!

“None of my business?” I shout at him. “If it weren't for me, he'd still be fucking that violin player behind your back!”

Brian folds his arms over his chest, cool as a cucumber. “Don't bring up the fucking past,” he mutters. “What's done is fucking done.”

“What's wrong with you?” I ask him, amazed. “Your past is what you live by! For as long as I've known you Brian, your past is what's kept you who you are. Brian Kinney for fucks sake!"

Justin returns dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. He's obviously angry, his blue eyes flashing. “That's not fair, Michael!”

Brian tries to grab him, but he's in my face, shouting, “How dare you bring Ethan into this? Haven't you meddled enough? You have no right!”

“I have no right?” I laugh, outraged. “I have more right than YOU will ever have!”

“Justin!” Brian tugs on his arm. “Stop it!”

Justin glares at him. “Don't tell me to stop, Brian!” he says, pointing a finger at me. “I won't let Michael throw things in my face! Especially things he knows nothing about! He just wants to hurt me.”

He deserves to be hurt after all that he's done. Brian's an idiot for taking him back. I know Brian loves him, I just wish he didn't. I know he'll never love me that way, I've accepted it. But Justin…shit. I just can't believe they're back together.

“Calm the fuck down,” Brian tells him.

Justin pulls away from his hold and glares at me before walking away.

“Justin!” Brian calls. “Where are you going?”

Justin slides the door open and calls over his shoulder. “Out! Got a problem with that?” The door shuts loudly, making both of us cringe.

Brian sighs, shoots an angry look at me before walking over to his bedroom. He puts on his robe and comes back to the kitchen. He gets himself a beer and turns to me, “Happy now?”

BRIAN

Why do things get so fucked? Fuck Mikey for coming over and ruining everything! Fuck Justin for walking out on me!

“Brian,” Mikey tries to touch my shoulder but I pull away. I'm too pissed at him right now.

“Don't,” I tell him. “Why don't you just go?”

He sighs. “What's he doing here, Brian? Is all forgiven and forgotten?”

“It's none of your fucking business, Mikey,” I tell him. I don't owe him an explanation. What Justin and I have…it's our business.

“Don't you care that he cheated on you?” he asks. “What about Felix?”

Why must he rehash everything? I don't want to talk about the past. And I definitely don't care about fucking Felix!

“Felix is gone,” I mutter. “And so are you. You know where the door is.”

He sighs again. “I'm sorry for the way I acted. I just want to understand.”

I don't have anything left to say. But apparently he does.

“So what does this mean? Is everything going back to the way it was?”

What the fuck does he expect me to say? I don't even know how to answer his question. Justin and I have yet to discuss our new arrangement.

“Are you going to stop tricking for him?” Mikey asks angrily. “Give in to anything he wants? Are you…”

My look stops him in mid-sentence.

“Don't try to fit my relationship with him into what you and your professor have,” I say coldly. “I'm with him because I want to be.”

He sighs. “I don't understand.”

I know he doesn't. Maybe if I said a few things, get them out in the open, he'll get off my back…and Justin's.

“I care about him, Mikey,” I say softly.

“I don't know why,” he mutters.

“I like having him around,”

He makes a funny sound.

I sigh and cup his face in my hand, “I'm giving him… another chance,”

“But why?”

Because I love him and I need him in my life. But I don't tell Mikey that. I simply say, “Because I want to.”

JUSTIN

I walk around the park trying to clear my head and come to the conclusion that I am indeed a spoiled little brat. I never should have run out on Brian. It's not his fault Michael's a total asshole at times.

It took me two hours to come to this conclusion. The loft is quiet when I slide open the door. The only light is from the lamp on Brian's desk. He's sitting there, staring at his computer screen.

I know I owe him an apology for storming out. Walking towards him, I notice the floor is clear again, remnants of the picnic all gone. I owe him an apology for that too.

“Hey,” I stand before him.

He looks up at me, eyes cold. “Hey.”

I twist my mouth trying to get the right words out. “I'm sorry,” I finally say.

He closes his documents and leans back in his chair. “Where were you?”

“Just walking around,” I admit.

“I called your cell.”

“I didn't take it.”

He nods and I feel like shit. How mad is he? Isn't he going to yell at me?

“I'm sorry, Brian,” I mumble. “I was immature and stupid.”

“Yeah, you were,” he agrees.

Standing up, he walks to the bedroom so I follow. "Sorry's bullshit." He undresses and gets into bed.

I have no idea what to do now. Does he still want me around? I wouldn't blame him if he changed his mind.

“Do you want me to leave?” I get the courage to ask finally.

He snorts. “Stop being a princess and come here.”

I inwardly sigh, relieved. I undress and get into bed.

“What did you tell Michael?” I ask.

“None of your business,” he says, a wide yawn escaping.

I lean over him. “He doesn't want us back together, does he?”

He never wanted us to together in the first place…really.

“Who cares?” Brian mutters. “He'll get over it.”

“What about everyone else?”

“They'll get over it too.”

I wish I had his attitude. But he's right. I shouldn't care what they think. I'm with Brian again and that's all that matters.

“Brian?”

“What?” he grumbles out.

I slip an arm over his chest and he puts his hand over mine. “I'm sorry the picnic got ruined.”

He doesn't say anything.

“Can we have another one sometime?”

He pushes my hand away and turns around to stare up at the ceiling. “Do me a favour,” he says.

“Sure,”

“Don't expect too much,” he says softly. “This is… new to me.”

I smile. “I understand.”

“I can't give you everything you want,” he adds.

Not immediately…but eventually. “I don't expect you to,” I assure him. “Just be discreet?”

He agrees. The tricks aren't a problem, as long as he keeps them to himself and doesn't rub it into my face like he used to do.

“What about our rules?" I ask. "Do we need new ones?"

He snorts then sighs. “No more lies.”

I can't blame him for saying that. I deserve it. I whisper agreement and put my head on his shoulder, slipping an arm over his chest. He doesn't push me away.

The next morning, we walk into the Diner for breakfast. I spot the boys in the usual booth. As we walk towards them, Deb spots me.

“Sunshine!” she screams. “What are you doing here?”

I laugh and let her kiss me. “I decided to stay.”

She hugs me tightly. “I'm so happy you did!”

“I don't suppose my old job's still available?” I ask.

She gives me a look that says ‘give me a break' and turns to Brian. Hands on her hips, she shakes her head at him. “Couldn't let him leave, huh? I'm proud of you, Brian.”

Brian snorts. “Don't look at me,” he tells her. “I couldn't care less where the fuck he ends up.”

Deb hits him with her hand towel and walks away, but not before pinching my cheek one last time.

Brian and I join the boys. Emmett hugs me and Ted smiles encouragingly. Michael must have broken the news to them already because they're not surprised to see me.

“I'm glad you're not going anywhere,” Em tells me.

Michael chews on his pancakes before saying, “Now we can get back to work on the comic book.”

I want to tell him fuck the comic - he owes me an apology! But I keep my mouth shut. I smile and nod my head.

“Everything's back to the way it was,” Emmett announces gleefully.

I look across at Brian. He's sitting opposite to me, staring at me with a wicked grin on his face. We had an early morning fuck then another while we showered. I'm surprised we made it here at all.

“Brian!” Ted mutters. “Give the kid a break. He looks all fucked out!”

I shoot Ted an embarassed look.

“Besides,” Emmett adds. “You've got plenty of time to fuck him, now that he's back for good.”

Brian grins. “You mean I'm stuck with him again?” At my snort, he grins and shouts to Deb, “Can we get some fucking service or what?”

Oh yeah. Things are definitely back to normal.

25/11/02

Banner courtesy Phin

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