NO EXCUSES, NO APOLOGIES, NO REGRETS
Part 8 - The Flip Side

BRIAN

"What the fuck are YOU doing here?" I ask without hesitation.

He cocks a brow, the familiar smirk appearing on his face. "I know I may be old news, luv," he says smartly. "But is that any way to greet your new employee?"

HE's the new exec Vance hired? What the fuck? I feel like killing someone...specifically - Gardener fucking Vance! This can't be happening. I was never supposed to lay eyes on this asshole again...not for the rest of my fucking life.

I'm grinding my teeth in an attempt to keep from screaming and telling him to get the fuck out. Cynthia's giving me weird glances but I ignore her.

I won't let this happen. I am not going to be a part of this.

"We'll see about that," I snap.

Without another word, I stride out of my office and burst into Vance's. He's sitting nice and snug behind his desk eating breakfast.

"Can't you knock?" he asks in his pretentious British accent.

I slam the door shut and walk over until I'm up against his desk. Leaning close so my face is inches from his, I hiss, "That bastard is NOT working for me."

He leans back in his chair, wiping at his mouth with a napkin. "I take it you know Gabriel Mc Allister?"

His tone makes me suspect he's already aware of that fact so I don't respond, but keep my eyes locked onto his coldly.

He sighs. "Brian," he starts. "I paid a lot of money to get him and I'm not about to let him go."

I can't stop the snort from escaping. "Don't fuck with me."

"He's brilliant at what he does."

"And he can be 'brilliant' somewhere else." I snap.

"I want him," Vance replies. "I mean...well, not in the way you might...I mean..."

Vance is such a fucking prick. I glare at him and get us back on track. "This decision isn't yours alone to make, Vance. I AM partner," I remind him. "And I'm afraid I won't let you hire him."

"Let me?" he laughs. "Brian, he's already on board. Signed contracts and all."

I grind my teeth as I stare at his pudgy, round face, the desire to fucking kill him is overwhelming! I pound my fist against his desk making him jump slightly before turning heel and slamming out of his office.

Outside, I come face to face with my nemesis.

"You seem a little upset, Brian," he smirks mockingly. "How about I take you to lunch? We could play 'catch up'."

"How about you fuck off?" I sneer. I hate letting him see how much he's affecting me but the bastard's caught me off guard. He's surprised me and I'm unprepared to deal with him.

As I stride away, I hear him call out, "Still as charming as ever I see!"

JUSTIN

"So did you fuck him?" I'm on the phone with Daphne talking about her new boyfriend.

I should be studying, I've got an exam this week but I'm feeling too lazy.

"Sorta," Daphne responds.

"Sorta?" I laugh. "How do you 'sorta' fuck someone?"

She giggles. "You know what I mean! We did lots of stuff."

"Is he any good?"

"He sure is!"

"Better than me?" I laugh but she doesn't. She changes the topic.

"How're things with Brian?"

"Great!"

As if on cue, the door slides open and Brian walks in.

"Daph, I gotta go," I tell her. "I'll call you later."

I can tell Brian's in a really bad mood. He flings his jacket onto the couch and slams his briefcase beside me on the table, not even acknowledging my presence.

"Brian?" I call as he goes into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

He doesn't answer, so I knock on the door. "Are you ok, Brian?"

The door opens suddenly. "I'm fucking fabulous!" he shouts. "Why don't you go out tonight?"

I give him a funny look. "What? Why should I? What about our plans?"

He slams the door in my face in response.

I don't understand. I slept all day so I haven't spoken with him since he left this morning. I wish I knew what the hell is going on.

Okay, he's in a really, really bad mood. I don't think I want to stick around for this shit! Whenever he gets like this it's best to just get out of the way until things calm down. Grabbing my jacket and scarf, I leave.

BRIAN

I can't stop thinking about him. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I thought I was going crazy. It's amazing how I can remember everything so clearly...things that happened so long ago.

As I press my head against the bathroom mirror, I close my eyes. I can hear his laughter. He's stroking my face as he chuckles. Is he laughing at me? His musky scent fills my nostrils. I take a deep breath but the scent is gone... Opening my eyes, I stare at myself in the mirror.

Fuck! I'm going crazy!

All I want to do is forget. Banging my head against the mirror, I shout, "No! No! No!"

I've got to get ahold of myself. I won't let this fucker affect me. Not anymore!

I lean back and look at myself in the mirror. Brian Kinney... You sorry sick bastard. Why does your past always come back to haunt you?

Leaving the bathroom, I realize Justin's actually taken my advice and left. Fucking unsupporting twat! He didn't even stick around long enough to ask what the hell was wrong with me. He's probably going out there to fuck or get his ass fucked. Son-of-a-fucking-bitch! Some partner he is!

Making my way to the drink tray, my hand gets comfortable with good old Jim. I put the bottle to my lips in an attempt to forget.

JUSTIN

When I get home, it's after 12. I didn't bother going to Babylon but decided to hang out with Emmett at Woody's. Since he and Ted broke up, he's back on the prowl.

Woody's wasn't as packed as it normally is but it didn't stop the offers from pouring in. I wasn't up to it though, more concerned about Brian. I kept reaching for my phone to call him, but never completed the call. I was afraid of pissing him off even more.

After a few hours, I couldn't take it anymore and left Emmett in the hands of a tough looking black guy named Dijon. Emmett declared he was 'in love' and I don't think he even noticed when I left!

Shutting the loft door as quietly as I can, I tiptoe into the kitchen to get some water. Brian stocks us up on Evian. And the poppers - although lately, we haven't been partying much. This weekend, for sure. We need to get out. Grabbing a bottle, I screw the lid off and gulp some down. All of a sudden, the bedroom lights come on and Brian's standing at the top of the steps, naked, watching me.

"Hey," I say as I walk towards him.

I go to wrap my hands around his waist but he rests a hand on my shoulder to keep me a certain distance away.

"Brian," I say. "What's wrong?"

His hazel eyes are dark and piercing coldly into mine. "Where were you?"

I laugh in disbelief. "What? You're joking, right?" I'm not a child that he has to 'check up' on me.

He squeezes my shoulder so tight it hurts.

"Ouch!" I mutter as I glare at him. "Brian-"

"Where the fuck were you?"

I swallow nervously as I look into his eyes, confused. He's serious! "I was at Woody's with Emmett," I say. "NOT that it's any of your fucking business. You aren't my keeper, Brian! I don't have to tell you where I'm going!"

He grabs my chin in a tight hold so my lips are puckered up.

"I may not be your fucking keeper, but I am your partner!" he tells me softly.

I push his hands away from my face and glare at him. "All right. I'm sorry. What's the matter with you?" I ask angrily.

"What's the matter with me?" he repeats my question softly. "What's the matter with ME?" He leans down so his face is inches away from mine before screaming, "My fucking PARTNER leaves me when I need him to go out and do what? FUCK! That's what's the matter with me, Sunshine!"

I can't help but feel guilty. "Brian, I didn't leave you! You told me to go!"

"I don't fucking care!" he sneers. "You know I was feeling fucked and you still left."

I try to touch him but he slaps my hand away.

"Brian-"

"Fuck off!"

He walks away from me but I follow close behind. He whips around, surprising me and in seconds, his hands are gripping the scarf around my neck. I place my hand over his as he begins to tighten his hold, pulling the scarf tighter around my neck.

"Don't," I say, my hands fighting to stop his from pulling too tight.

Anger flashes in his eyes as he pushes me against the wall, his hands keeping the scarf tight around my neck. I can't say much with my head pushed back and my blue eyes shining into his.

His nose rubs against my own and he whispers, "Did you let him fuck you?"

I open my mouth to say no, but nothing comes out. I swallow and shake my head slightly but even that action is painful.

"You aren't clean to me, Justin, if you let these men touch you," Brian says softly.

I feel a tear trickling down my cheek. He notices it and licks it away. "Why are you crying? Am I hurting you?"

I bite my bottom lip and nod slightly.

"Good." I can smell the alcohol on his breath. He kisses my temple before whispering in my ear, "Because I fucking hurt. While my fucking partner was out getting his ass fucked, I was here, alone!"

He finally lets me go and I slide onto the floor, gasping for breath. My hands clawing to remove the scarf as fast as I can.

I watch Brian sit on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. I want to fucking kill him right now for scaring the shit out of me! What the fuck is going on with him? He can be such a fucking psycho at times.

I'm still sitting on the floor as I kick off my shoes and try to catch my breath. I don't know how to approach Brian now...how to get him to tell me what's wrong. Something is seriously bothering him and it has nothing to do with my going out. He doesn't give a shit about that. That's his cover up.

When I feel I've calmed down sufficiently, I get up off the floor. I scoot towards him, kneeling next to him on the floor and cup his face in my hands.

"It's all right, Brian," I tell him. "We're fine."

He nods.

"Let's go to bed," I say.

His hazel eyes have gone soft as they gaze into mine. Brian hates asking anyone for anything - me included. But I know what he's asking for now...the one thing I can give him. I want to give him.

Standing up, I undress slowly. His eyes follow my movements lazily, his body beginning to react to my bare skin. Gently, I push him onto the bed and straddle his chest. Leaning forward, I flick my tongue along his lips until he opens his mouth for my invasion. His hands lightly stroke my butt as I deepen the kiss. But he doesn't want to play this game - all foreplay must be kept to a minimum.

He pulls away and I get off him so he can turn over. He's been my teacher from the start. Everything I know, I learned from him.

Using my tongue, I lick a trail down his back. Alternating between kisses and licks, I reach his ass. With a hand on each firm globe, I pull them apart to reveal his soft puckered opening. I circle my tongue around the edge, softly nibbling the surrounding pink flesh. His moans are soft and I finally feel him relax. I know how much Brian hates not being in control of his emotions but right now, I'm the one in charge. Brian starts to gyrate his hips and I look up and catch his eyes. I smile and thrust my tongue into his velvet hole. I feel like I've just left the planet and probe as far as I can. He gasps and pushes his ass back trying to get me in deeper.

I let the torture go on for some time until I hear his whispered plea, "Justin."

I slip a condom on my stiff dick and lay close to him, on my side. I don't apply lube or loosen his tight hole - and Brian's tight that's for sure. His ass hole has rarely been used; that much is obvious. I don't try to make it easy for Brian - this is my way of taking a little revenge on him for his behavior tonight.

I enter him in one quick thrust and he tightly grips the sheets, turning his knuckles white. I withdraw slowly and thrust in again, increasing the pace everytime. He moves his ass back to meet my every thrust. I set the pace and we find our rhythm. Brian buries his face in the pillow, trying to stop the whimpers from pouring out but he can't. I grip his hip for support and I ride my lover, my face pressed against his sweaty back.

He bites into his pillow as he cums and I feel his ass clench my throbbing cock. With a final thrust, I bite his shoulder hard and cum.

I roll off him and slide the condom of my dick, throwing it into the trash. Brian hasn't moved and his face is still in the pillow. I crawl up next to him and slip my arms around his waist.

"Brian?" I whisper licking the bite mark.

"You left me," he murmurs.

"I didn't leave you!" I insist.

He lifts his head and gives me an odd look before getting up and going into the bathroom. I'm so confused. Brian can be vulnerable at times. Since Michael's wedding, he's been slightly clingy but not overly. He keeps his controlling nature but sometimes...he just gets weird. But tonight is different. Something is bothering him. I wonder if he's seen Michael today. That's the only explanation I can think of.

When he returns to bed, he crawls under the covers and pulls me into his arms.

"Are you all right?" I ask as I stroke his arm.

"Just peachy," he responds sarcastically.

"Brian-"

"I'm fucking tired. If you're going to be talking your ass off all night, go sleep on the sofa!"

I shut up.

BRIAN

I have a fucking huge hangover the next morning. Justin sleeps through the alarm and my groans, although I suspect he's partly ignoring me too. I don't blame him. I acted like a prime prick last night.

I remember taking out my anger on him. I'd worked myself into frenzy thinking about Gabe and when Justin came home, I lashed out. I needed to. Just like I needed him to fuck me...it brought back memories...things I've been trying to forget. The one thing running through my mind was that HE left me. Gabriel...

I try to make as much noise as I possibly can while I get dressed for work, hoping Justin will wake up and see the distress I'm in. He could make me his grandmother's strange concoction and mother me - it's what I want, what I need. But the twat puts a pillow over his head and refuses to budge.

Fuck him!

Cynthia has a huge smile plastered on her face when I walk into the office. It fucking irritates me on the spot.

"Please tell me the reason behind that smile is you're going away. Somewhere far, far away from here?" I remark sarcastically.

She follows me into my office.

"Woke up on the wrong side of the bed, did you?" she responds cheerfully. "Or did Justin throw you off entirely?"

I snort and accept the mail she hands me.

"What's on the agenda for today?" I ask. "I've got a fucking hangover so take it easy. Please."

She raises a brow. "I'll see what I can do." As she walks out, she asks, "No calls through?"

I nod and she adds, "Except Justin, off course."

I shoot her a quick look and she grins.

Not five minutes later, the door opens again. I'm in the process of trying to massage away my headache.

"What now?" I mutter as I lift my head.

"Is that your usual morning greeting, or do I get special treatment?" It's Gabriel.

My temple immediately starts throbbing.

"You don't just barge into my office," I tell him. Just like you shouldn't be barging into my fucking life!

He shrugs. "Your girl wasn't out front."

"So what the fuck do you want?"

His dark eyes lock onto mine and the message is clear. He wants me. Too fucking bad! He can't have me. I tell him as much with my own look.

"I want to make peace, Brian," he offers instead. "What's happened in our past, let's leave it there."

How easy it is for him to say that. He was, after all, the one that did the hurting. But damn if I'll let him know how he affected me.

"It's there," I say. "I don't give a fuck about it."

"So, why be so hostile towards me?"

"Don't flatter yourself," I say. "It's my new and improved personality."

"Tell me you're joking?"

I shrug.

"How do you manage to keep such a good rep?"

"They don't pay me to kiss ass."

He nods.

"Brian, Justin's on line two," Cynthia buzzes.

I give Gabriel a look but he ignores me and looks around the office. Picking up the receiver, I say, "What?"

"Are you ok?" Justin asks.

"I've got a hangover."

"I'm sorry."

"I'll live."

"No, I mean, I'm sorry about last night...and this morning."

"Oh."

Gabriel's staring at me again, his eyes taking in my features.

"Aren't you going to apologize too?" Justin asks.

Oh fuck. I can't apologize in front of Gabe.

"Ok. Me too." I say.

"Brian!"

"I've got to go. I have another call."

"Don't bother! I'm gone!"

I hang up and Gabe grins.

"Boyfriend checking up on you?"

"He's not my - " I stop myself just in time. "You should go. I have work to do."

He smirks. "Whatever you say. Boss."

I grind my teeth to keep from screaming at him.

He leaves and I collapse against my leather chair.

I can't do this. I can't fucking do this!

12/09/02

Banner courtesy Andrea

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