NO EXCUSES, NO APOLOGIES, NO REGRETS
Part 15 - Bring Me To Life

JUSTIN

"Brian? Is that you?"

I walk out of the bathroom wearing nothing but my best smile.

Brian looks at me and returns the smile. He puts his coat and briefcase on the counter and walks over to where I'm standing to plant a kiss on my eager, pouty lips.

Smacking my butt, he says, "I noticed you didn't even wait to see if it was me before you walked out in your best suit."

I grin and slip my arms around his neck. "And I noticed my dick's still facing the ground. Care to rectify the problem?"

He laughs. "If you insist."

He sucks on my bottom lip slowly, driving me to distraction. I struggle to push his gray suit jacket off his shoulders.

"Take it easy." He pulls away. "Wouldn't want to rip my new suit, would you?"

I roll my eyes and watch him remove his clothes quickly, but carefully. When he's naked, I grin michievously and crook a finger. He laughs and starts walking towards me. I lick my lips and begin moving backwards.

He stops, puts a hand on his hip and waits...seconds before my foot connects with his bedroom steps and I fall on my ass.

I let out a loud exaggerated howl and try to get off the floor. Brian, the fucking jerk that he is, stands still, laughing his ass off.

"Shut up!" I glare at him, my cheeks flushed with embarrassment, both sets of them. Turning away, I get on the bed, hiding my face in his pillow, using my own to cover my head.

Less than a minute later, I feel hands rubbing my butt cheeks.

"You're such a big baby," Brian says sweetly. I don't say anything, enjoying his undivided attention and the feel of his expert hands on my sore ass.

I feel my crack being pulled apart before cool air is blown against my hole. My heartbeat quickens and I let myself relax.

Brian's tongue draws a line from the top to the bottom of my ass crack. My entire body shakes with anticipation. Finally, his moist tongue slides into my hole in an in-and-out motion, one that he's perfected. I try to get on my knees, but he pushes against my back.

"Slow down," he whispers. "Or do you want me to stop?"

I groan. "Don't... "

I close my eyes and fight for control, tighten the hold on my pillow. Not being able to see Brian is making this strangely more arousing. The darkness comforts me... makes me harder, if such a thing is possible right now.

He replaces his tongue with a finger and begins fucking my ass, alternating between one... two... even three fingers. My screams are muffled in his pillow. I bite into it and beg for release.

And then, he's inside me. All of Brian. He's riding my ass fast and hard. I feel as though I'm in another world. This is the most amazing ride ever... I see stars... stars... stars. I hear him calling out to me...seconds before I lose consciousness.

Do I hear my name being called? Hmmm...I think I do.

Is this a dream?

Someone's hitting me. Fuck. Hard. Ouch. That fucking hurt.

I open my eyes immediately and meet Brian's cold ones.

"What the fuck did you do?" he asks angrily.

"Huh?" I try to sit up but he won't let me. "Scoot over... you're heavy."

He holds my face between his hands and leans down so our noses touch. "Justin..." he rubs this thumb against my cheek. "Are you ok?"

"Of course I'm ok," I mutter. What the fuck's gotten into him? He's acting like a crazy person.

"I thought you stopped breathing, you little twat!" he grumbles, getting off me.

I sit up, rubbing my neck. "Huh?"

He looks at me as if I'm stupid. "You had your face against the pillow. You nearly suffocated to death."

I laugh. "You're so full of shit."

He glares at me. "Don't be a fucking moron in future ok? You scared the shit out of me."

"At least I would've died happy." I grin sweetly and I'm surprised when he pushes me off the bed. I fall on my butt... the memory and soreness of the earlier fall still there.

"Fuck! Brian!"

He gets out of bed. "Are you sure you scored 1500 on your SATs? Sometimes I'm amazed you got past 5."

I try not to be insulted and follow him into the kitchen while he pours himself a drink.

"It was seriously intense," I tell him. "Can we do it again?"

He narrows his eyes.

I laugh and slide my hand down his naked chest to his dick. "I bet I can change your mind."

His hazel eyes never leave my blue. "I bet I can fucking kick your ass."

I lose my grin. "You're no fun."

He snorts. "Are you hungry?"

I shrug. "I could eat a little something."

He gets us a plate and piles my chicken penne on top. He hands it to me with a warning, "Don't get any on my sofa." It's a warning I hear almost every time I attempt to eat while watching TV.

He joins me on the sofa, fork in hand. I guess he's feeling lazy - I'm supposed to feed him. We do that at times; sometimes to save me from washing up and other times just for the sake of being... I'd say romantic. I doubt Brian would agree, knowing how much he despises the word **romance.**

After a couple of mouthfuls, I notice he's lost in his own thoughts. He catches me staring at him and opens his mouth. I wrinkle my nose at him. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah," he responds. I can hear it in his voice though... he has something to say.

I offer him more pasta but he shakes his head. I've lost my appetite too. I wonder if he's thinking about last night... the conversation about Gabe and... him. I think I'm dealing with it best - in a mature and appropriate manner. So what if Brian had something with another man... something meaningful? What's important is that he told me the truth... and he loves me.

"How was your day?"

I look up and realize Brian's asked me a question.

"Good," I say. "Michael would be proud. I got someone else hooked on 'Rage.'"

He grins, which is enough encouragement for me to start babbling.

"His name is Connor," I continue. "He's in my Modern Art class. A total comic geek. I mean, like, worse than Michael geek. Ok. I take that back. No one can be as lame as..." I stop when I realize he's not paying attention to me. His eyes have a faraway look.

"Brian?" I stroke his arm.

"Hmm?"

"How was your day?"

His eyes lock onto mine. We just stare at each other for a while, his eyes softening ever so often. Finally, he says, "I'm going to go out for a while."

I watch as he gets up from the sofa and heads for the bedroom. I don't know what the hell is going on. He comes out dressed in jeans, a t-shirt and his black leather jacket. He runs a hand through my hair and says, "I won't be long."

I nod. It doesn't take long for him to find a trick... get his dick sucked. I sort of forgot we weren't being monogamous for a while. I know I was... mainly 'cos I haven't been out enough by myself to pick up anyone... or didn't care to. I knew there was no way in hell Brian would be... I'd hoped, but knew it would never be that way.

BRIAN

It's been on my mind all night. There's a pain gnawing at the pit of my stomach. I sort of feel betrayed even. It's dumb, I know, but I have to get this off my chest.

"Brian!" Mikey opens the door. "What are you doing here?"

I push my way in and scan the room for Ben. He's at the kitchen table surrounded by books and papers.

"I was in the neighbourhood," I say and walk into the kitchen. "Ben," I nod my head slightly as I open the fridge. Pulling out a beer, I search for an opener.

"Want something to drink?" Mikey kids, and I smile.

"So how's the happily married couple?" I ask after a gulp of beer.

"Happy," Mikey grins widely, his arms going around Ben from behind.

I'm remotely disgusted at how happy they REALLY do look... that and the fact that the fucking bastard can still act so normal with me. I've always been the first to know everything. He never hides anything from me and yet...

Ben looks from me to Mikey and seems to sense something is wrong because he gets up and announces, "I'm going to take a shower."

"But, you just took one," Mikey protests.

Ben shrugs. "I'm sticky."

"I like you sticky."

Stop. I'm standing right here people. I don't need to hear about your fucking sex life and how sticky it is.

Ben eventually leaves after a few more kisses. It gives me time to finish my beer and start on another.

Finally, Mikey and I are alone. He starts to tell me something about showers as he walks past me to the fridge but I grab his wrist.

My eyes lock onto his. "Is there something you want to tell me, Mikey?" I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

He gives me a confused look. "Like what?"

I snort. "Like you're going to be a father in nine months?"

He swallows. "I..."

I let go of his wrist and cross my arms over my chest. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't think you'd care," he says with an apologetic look.

"The fact that you're having a fucking kid?" I spit out angrily. "A kid I assumed I was having until..."

"Brian, I'm sorry."

"I bet you are," I mutter under my breath.

That little comment did exactly what it was meant to do - rile him. "It didn't concern you, Brian," he says firmly, eyes narrowed. "You didn't even want another child!"

"Don't assume to think you know what the fuck I want!" I keep my voice low but angry. "That's not even the fucking point."

"Then what's the big deal?" he grumbles out.

"The *big deal* is you're a goddamn liar!" I spit out.

He gets angry at that shot. "Because I didn't tell you about something that wasn't any of your business?"

"We're supposed to be best friends, Mikey," I remind him. "We tell each other stuff... before we go ahead and do them. Like getting married!"

He imitates me and crosses his chest with his arms. "I told you I was sorry about that Brian! And I did tell you about Ben wanting kids. Look, things are different now. I have other things going on in my life."

I snort and let out an overdrawn sigh.

"And you're one to talk!" he attacks. "If anyone's a goddamn liar, it's you, Brian!"

I cock a brow.

"Look at how I found out about that fucking twat!" he shouts. "I walked in on you two fucking! How do you think that made me feel?"

I grit my teeth. "This conversation is over." I put the half empty beer-bottle on the counter and walk away. I hope he doesn't follow me like he always does, but he's predictable if nothing else.

"After everything he did, you still took him back!" he adds.

His comment stops me in my tracks. "What the fuck did he do that was so bad?" I shout. "We weren't some happily married couple like you and your fucking hubby! Justin was always free to go."

"You're always defending him! He's a selfish little shit."

"Be quiet," I warn.

"NO! Why should I? He used you and took from you and never gave back anything!"

That makes me see red. "I said *be quiet!*"

"If you ask me, you should have left him lying there..."

That makes me snap. I have my hand on the doorknob ready to leave but without giving it a second thought, I turn and punch Mikey, so hard, he falls to the floor. His nose is bleeding and he's looking up at me in shock.

And this is what Ben comes out to see.

"What the hell happened?" he asks as he helps Mikey off the floor.

"He hit me!" Mikey shouts, the surprise still in his voice.

I raise my hands to apologize, I am sorry after all. Ben chooses that moment to sock me one and I'm thrown against the door before I slide to the ground, tasting blood in my mouth immediately.

Fuck.

"NOOO!" Mikey pulls Ben away from doing any more damage. "Why'd you have to do that?"

"You said..." Ben mumbles.

I wipe my nose with my t-shirt and slowly get off the floor. Without another word, I leave.

When I get back to the loft, Justin's watching TV and eating popcorn. I open the fridge and take out a small bag of ice from the freezer, immediately place it on the left side of my face. Justin turns to tell me something during a commercial and notices my condition.

"Brian!" he says as he scrambles off the sofa.

"No prodding," I say, holding him an arm's length away.

He pushes my hand away and gently strokes my cheek as he slowly removes the bag of ice to see the damage.

"Fuck!" he mutters. "What the fuck happened?"

"Would you believe I got hit in the face?" I reply smartly.

He narrows his eyes.

"It's nothing," I assure him.

"Don't treat me like a fucking child, Brian."

I smile and pull him close to inhale his scent.

"And don't think I'm going to let this drop either."

I sigh. Might as well come out with it now then. "Ben hit me."

He pulls away. "What? Ben? As in Michael's Ben?"

I snort. "Yeah. One and the same."

Justin looks at me warily. "Why'd he hit you?"

I shrug. "Beats me."

He sucks on his lower lip. "Lindsay called."

"Yeah?" I wonder what the fuck she could possibly have to say to me.

"She told me about the baby."

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry." He squeezes my hand.

"I'll live," I say.

He grins.

"What?"

He starts to chuckle.

"Justin!"

"You went over to Michael's?"

"Yeah. So what?"

"Nothing."

I ignore him and concentrate on my swollen face. Fuck. It's starting to hurt.

"Oh my God!" Justin bursts out.

"What?"

"Did you hit Michael?"

My look says it all.

"Shit, what did he do?"

I don't answer but I realize his mind is working over-time. "Did he hit you first or something?"

"Or something," I mutter, trying my best not to flinch from the pain in my cheek.

"Why'd Ben hit you?" he persists.

I shrug and start to walk away. I need to get out of this bloody t-shirt and get into bed.

"Let me help you," he says as he holds my arm.

"I'm fine," I grumble although I like it when he pays me attention.

He slides off my jacket and gasps when he sees the bloody tee. "You want to go to the emergency room?"

"For a bloody nose, Justin?" I ask as I hand him the ice pack so I can take off the tee.

I take off my jeans and slip under the duvet, hold my hand out for the ice. He crawls in bed next to me and gently places the bag back onto my face.

We stay like that for a while, him propped up on an elbow; babying me. If anyone else were here, I'd never let him get away with this but... we're alone. And when we're alone, he can get away with anything.. almost.

JUSTIN

"Don't hold your head back like that," I scold.

"Justin," he says. "I know how to take care of it."

And then I remember. Brian really does know all about taking punches to the face. He's been taking care of bloody noses and lips since he was ten years old. Debbie told me all about his father. What a sick, violent bastard he was. It amazes me that Brian was able to live through all of that. I don't think I would have been as strong.

"What are you thinking about?" he asks softly, finger on my chin.

"You," I say honestly.

He snorts.

"And your father," I add, my look unsure.

He removes his finger and lowers his lids. "Jack Kinney," he says bitterly. "Fucking father of the year."

"Do you ever think about him?" I ask softly.

He snorts. "Every time I think I've reached the end of my rope," he responds. "But, I'm not ready to face him in hell yet."

I place a hand behind his neck, slowly playing with the tendrils there. I'm not going to push him to say anything. Silence is good sometimes.

"I remember when I turned fourteen," Brian recalls softly. "Mom bought a cake for me... white icing with pink frosting. She knew how much I loved chocolate but opted to buy me vanilla instead. Go figure." He pauses to chuckle before continuing, "Jack came home just in time to blow out my candles and send me to my room without dinner. You see, I wasn't supposed to be celebrating being born. I was to be punished... every year for the rest of my life." He cringes. "I snuck out and went over to Deb's. Had some chocolate chip cookies and milk..."

He smiles while I try to keep the pity out of my eyes. What a horrible childhood. And he wasn't done reminising yet it.

"He wasn't always horrible though. He bought me a baseball bat one Christmas."

"That's nice," I whisper.

He looks at me and grins mockingly. "He chased me around the house with it one night... until he broke it in half... trying to slam it against my head."

"Brian," I lean close to him, unable to hear another word without bursting into tears.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, his breath hot against my ear. "Can you get me something to numb this fucking pain? Something to knock me out cold?"

I'm uncertain which pain he's referring to... his memories or his busted lip. I get out off the bed quickly and search through our medicine cabinet, returning with whatever extra-strenght drugs I can find and a glass of water. He downs it quickly and collapses back into bed.

When I return, he's dumped the ice bag on the floor. I am careful not to rub my head against his face as I get comfy in his arms. He runs a hand through my hair and lets me hug him tighter than normal. I'm grateful tonight he's in my life. I don't know what it would have been like had I not met Brian that night so long ago.

I haven't prayed in a long time, but tonight, I can't help it. I thank God for giving me Brian.

19/02/03

BRING ME TO LIFE - EVANESCENCE

How can you see into my eyes
like open doors.
Leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb.
Without a soul
my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home.

(Wake me up.
Wake me up inside.
I can't wake up.
Wake me up inside.
Save me.
Call my name and save me from the dark.
Wake me up.
Bid my blood to run.
I can't wake up.
Before I come undone.
Save me.
Save me from the nothing I've become.)

Now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life.

[Chorus]

Bring me to life.
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside.
Bring me to life.

Frozen inside without your touch,
without your love, darling.
Only you are the life among the dead.

All of this sight
I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark
but you were there in front of me

I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.
I've got to open my eyes to everything.

Without a thought
Without a voice
Without a soul

Don't let me die here
There must be something wrong.
Bring me to life.

[Chorus]

Bring me to life.
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside.

Bring me to life

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