NO EXCUSES, NO APOLOGIES, NO REGRETS
Part 16 - The British Invasion

JUSTIN

A loud ringing jars me out of sleep. Lifting my head in search of the irritating culprit, I realize it's just my cell phone, resting comfortably on the bed side table.

The blue screen is set to display the caller ID and I see it's none other than Felix.

"This had better be important," I grumble into the phone as I fall back onto my pillow.

"Happy birthday to you... we hope you get a good screw... happy birthday, happy birthdayyyyyy... happy birthday to youuuuu!"

Correction, it's actually Felix AND Hugo. They sound so bad, I can't help the giggles that escape.

"I think he's laughing at us, mate," Felix tells Hugo.

"Yeah, I am actually," I reply through chuckles.

"Enough shit shat," Hugo complains in the background. "Tell him we're coming right over!"

I laugh and knowing they're not serious, say, "Sure thing."

"Give us twenty minutes?" Felix says. "We need to get a cab and Hugo needs to take a bloody shower. He smells quite horrid!"

My eyes open wide and I sit up. "What?" I nervously say. "What do you mean? Are you two in the Pitts? Like right now? As we speak?"

"That's right, gorgeous. Surprise!"

OH. SHIT.

"We'll be there soon," he says. "With presents!"

He hangs up and I'm left staring at my mobile in shock. What the hell just happened? I mean... it's a nice gesture but... Brian's going to have a shit fit.

I turn to look at my boyfriend's sleeping form. He's sprawled out on his stomach, an arm above his head; the other at his side.

I was partly dreading this day, knowing how anal Brian is about birthdays. He hates celebrating and making a fuss. Which explains my worst present ever - that goddamn hustler!

I slide out of bed and make my way to the bathroom to take a shower. As I let the warm water caress my skin, I start to feel better. Having Felix and Hugo with me on my birthday may not be such a bad thing. They'll take the pressure off Brian to do anything with me today. He has a new client and I'm sure he'd much prefer spending his day hard at work instead of wasting it away with me.

We've been spending way too much time together anyway, ever since his fight with Michael. They made up the very next day - Brian took a steak to the comic store for Michael's eye. But I don't think he's seen him since... or anyone else for that matter. Deb was so upset, she told Brian he was just like his father. I tried to defend Brian but he told me to keep quiet and stay out of it; that it didn't concern me.

Out of loyalty to Brian, I haven't gone to the diner or over to the munchers either. Mel was in total agreement with Deb. I'm not surprised and I'm sure Brian isn't either. We both know how much she still despises him, even after everything he's done for her.

And then there's Lindsay. She came over early the next morning to yell at Brian and make him feel ten times worse than he was already feeling. I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling her that Brian hadn't injured Michael's sperm - they were still going to have their fucking kid.

Sometimes I hate them all for treating him the way they do. Brian doesn't deserve it. They of all people should know the kind of person he is, being in his life as long as they have. He'd be there in a heartbeat if they needed him. Sure, he can be an asshole; I know that firsthand. But he has feelings too and sometimes... they forget.

Turning the shower off, I grab my towel and dry off quickly. I run some hair gel through my hair as I try to style it in the mirror. Finally, I give up and go back into the bedroom to get dressed.

Brian's still asleep and I hesitate to wake him; it's only 9am. The weekend is his time to sleep in. After pulling on a pair of blue jeans and a light blue tee, I give in to my urge and slip back into bed. Planting butterfly kisses on his back, I wait for him to come to. He yawns widely and turns over to face me, his eyes thin slits.

"What time is it?" he grumbles.

I straddle his chest and lean down for one of his lazy early morning kisses. It's more tender than I expect. He pulls away to stretch and check the time.

"You taste minty fresh," he jokes as he eyes the clock. "Fuck! Is that the time?"

I nod.

"What the fuck are you doing up at this hour?"

"It's not by choice," I assure him. "I just have some out of town visitors... who plan on stopping by in ten minutes or so."

He cocks a brow. "Out of town..." He looks confused for a few seconds before realization hits him. "Is it too much to hope it's Daphne?"

I grin. "Not that I'm aware of."

He closes his eyes and groans. "Why are they even here?"

My eyes narrow as I look at him. "If you need to be reminded, I'm going to hit you, I swear!"

He grins. "Come here." He pulls me down for another kiss, teasing me with his tongue. When we finally pull apart, he softly says, "I'm happy your parents had unprotected sex."

I find myself smiling goofily, even though the thought of my parents having sex grosses me out.

"I got you a present," I tell him sweetly. "Or rather, Felix and Hugo did."

He snorts.

"You get an entire day to yourself!" I excitedly tell him.

He narrows his eyes.

"I swear to keep out of your hair today. I know you have a lot of work to do and you're not really into birthdays. I totally learned my lesson from the last time," I joke.

He gives me a small smile. "How very thoughtful of you."

I kiss him. "I'm the best boyfriend ever. Don't you think?"

"Hmmmm."

"Think about it. I'm cute, smart, I have a great ass and I give great head. Plus, I can cook."

He smacks my butt. "Don't forget how modest you are too."

I roll my eyes. "Whatever."

The buzzer goes off.

"They enemy has landed," Brian mutters grouchily.

I attempt to get off him to buzz them up but he pulls me back. "Wait a sec," he says.

"What?"

"You uh... want to do something tonight?" His eyes are lowered, a sure sign he's uncertain of something.

I smile. "Sure."

I plant a kiss on his lips. "I'll see you later."

"Later."

BRIAN

I can't go back to sleep when Justin leaves. I'm pissed that he's gone off and left me alone on his birthday. I didn't plan anything, thought we could just do something together. But he's right. I DO have a shitload of work to do. How the fuck am I supposed to concentrate on it knowing he's out with his fucking ex is beyond me.

I take a piss and brush my teeth, contemplate taking a shower. That's when I hear the knock on the door.

I assume Justin's forgotten something but, when I slide open the door, I get a surprise.

It's my mother.

"What the fuck do YOU want?" I spit out angrily.

She's clutching her purse in front of her, knuckles white. "You haven't returned any of my calls, Brian."

"I was busy."

"Too busy to call your own mother?" She sighs. "May I... come in?"

Even though it's against my better judgement, I move aside and let her enter. I'm already dreading whatever bullshit she's here to feed me.

As I put on the coffee, I watch her. Her eyes are scanning the room in search of something... or someone.

"He's not here," I tell her.

She looks at me quickly, a blush overtaking her cheeks. "Claire told me he lives with you."

My eyes narrow automatically. Why the fuck is Claire telling her about my personal life? "He's not here," I repeat coldly.

She opens her purse and pulls out a brown bag. "I baked some chocolate chip cookies yesterday." She puts the bag on the counter. "I know how much you like my cookies."

That's all you could really do, Mom - bake fucking cookies and cakes. You sucked at everything else, being a mother in particular.

"Thanks," I mutter and just to goad her, I say, "Justin likes cookies too."

She gives me a hard look and I know she's sorry she gave them to me now.

"Your father never liked my cookies," she says bitterly. "He never liked anything I did."

I roll my eyes and pour myself a cup of coffee. I'd offer her some but that would only be motivation for her to stay longer and fuck if I'm letting that happen!

"Why don't we cut the crap and you just tell me what you're doing here?"

She sighs. "Is it so hard to be around me, Brian?"

Shit. Here comes her fucking guilt trip.

"Mom..."

"Brian, I've been thinking a lot about you," she says. "And I wonder if you blame me... for all of this."

"This?"

"I'm so sorry for turning you into this person."

What the fuck is she babbling about? "*This* person?"

"It's my fault that you're gay," she says. "If only I hadn't allowed Claire to dress you up... let you go out and play with boys more... stopped you from going over to that woman's house all the time. Her brother was gay, you know. He must have done something to you."

"Are you out of your mind?" I snap. She is fucking unbelievable.

"I'm sorry, Brian."

I glare at her, uncertain of what to say next. Finally, I settle on something I think is best. "I think you should leave."

She gives me a frightened look. "I want to help you, Brian."

Her comment does nothing but evoke bitterness in me. "Help me?" I mock. "When have you ever offered to help me?"

"Brian!"

"When he was slamming his fucking fists into my face, where the fuck were you then?" I shout. "You were NEVER there for me, Mom. And I don't want your fucking *help* now. I just want you to leave."

She covers her mouth with her hand, tears shining in her eyes. "You nasty boy!" she spits out. "After all I've done for you, is this the thanks I get? How dare you tell me I was never around?"

"It's the God's truth!"

"Don't YOU dare use God's name. You spit on God when you chose this disgusting lifestyle!"

I lean in close to sneer, "Where was God when I was getting the shit kicked out of me? Where was your fucking saviour when I was thrown down the stairs and spit on by the man who was supposed to love me?" She doesn't respond, but keeps her gaze locked onto mine. "I say fuck Him!" As my eyes begin to well up, I choke out, "And fuck you, Mom. Fuck you!"

She lashes out at me, slaps me hard across my cheek. I've never raised a hand against a woman and I'm not about to start now. I back away, refusing to touch my face to try to soothe the sting.

"You despicable creature!" she shouts. "You are so full of hate, Brian! Just like your father." She grabs her purse off the counter and begins to walk away. "He's dead and gone, but, he's paying for his sins - in hell! You'll be sorry when it's your time. You'll be sorry."

I watch her leave in a huff and refuse to follow. Fuck her and her rantings. She doesn't know jack shit. I lean against the fridge and try to compose myself. She always had the ability to make me feel like shit. She always had the ability to make me cry.

JUSTIN

"What if the Big Bad Wolf is home?" Felix giggles into my ear as I try to slide the door open.

"Shhh," I put a finger on my lips and turn to them. "He's probably working on his project."

"On a bloody Saturday?" Hugo pipes in. He's been trying to light his cigarette for the past minute with no luck. "This bloody thing..."

The door finally opens and the three of us walk in.

I open my mouth to call out to Brian but it gets stuck in my throat. The loft is in a fucking mess. Chairs turned over, curtains pulled down. And Brian has his David Bowie CD on full blast.

"Shit," Felix mutters. "Where were we when the tornado made its rounds?"

I can't fucking believe it.

"My my my," Hugo giggles girlishly. "Looks like we made it just in time for the party."

And then I see what he means. Brian's on the bed... with three other guys. They're all over him... kissing him... on the mouth... touching him... everywhere.

I'm not sure how long I stand there but it feels like eternity.

"Should we join in?" Hugo asks.

Felix smacks him behind the head. "Shut up, you asshole!"

Hugo shrugs. "Oooh! Goodies!" He picks up the scotch bottle and offers it to Felix and me.

"Will you behave?" Felix grits out.

I walk out and Felix follows, dragging a reluctant Hugo behind him. Closing the door, I force a smile.

"You okay, luv?" Felix asks.

As the tears gather in my eyes, I whisper. "Happy birthday to me."

"I just don't get it."

"What's not to get? He's nothing more than an ungrateful cow!"

"So what happens now?"

"How the fuck do I know?"

"Are we not going to celebrate then?"

"Can you stop thinking about yourself for once?"

I wake up to hear Felix and Hugo arguing in hushed voices. Opening one eye, I take in my surroundings. I'm obviously in their hotel room, the plush interior a sure sign. They're sitting on the bottom of the bed eating noodles. Sitting up, I stifle a yawn.

"Hey," Felix smiles.

"Hey yourself," I smile back. No sense in bursting into tears again. I feel all cried out.

"Hungry?" He lifts his plate and I eagerly take it. I'm starving.

Hugo looks from me to Felix then back again. "Are you alright, mate?"

I nod as I slurp up some noodles. "Why wouldn't I be?"

He scratches his head. "Well, with Brian having sex with half of the Pitts and -"

"Hugo!" Felix socks him so hard, he falls off the bed.

"Bloody hell! What was that for?"

"You're an imbecile, that's why!" Felix replies with a glare. "Now don't open your mouth for the rest of the night."

"You aren't the boss of me," he says as he gets off the floor. "Awww fuck. I taste blood." He walks off in the direction of the bathroom I assume.

"I'm sorry about him," Felix apologizes.

I laugh. "It's ok," I say.

"Are you ok?"

"I will be."

"What are you going to do?"

I shrug. "Not think about it tonight?"

"Justin..."

"It's still my goddamn birthday, Felix! I want to enjoy it. You and Hugo flew in just to spend it with me and we ARE going to have a good time."

He sighs. "Forget about us." He squeezes my shoulder. "There will be many many birthdays for us to come back for. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to."

My chest feels restricted now and I can't eat anymore so I put down the plate. "You're always so good to me."

He smiles. "That's what a friend is for."

I lean across and brush my lips against his. "Thank you."

He lowers his eyes. "Anytime."

Easing his chin up with a finger, I ask, "So where are you hiding my presents?"

He grins. "They're in the suitcase."

"Go get them! And we can head out to Babylon after!"

"Whatever you want, birthday boy."

"Hey baby!" Emmett plants a kiss on both my cheeks. "Happy birthday!"

"Thanks, Emmett." I've got a smile plastered on my face ever since we arrived. I've lost count on the number of shots I've had and Hugo was kind enough to share his <<goodie stash>> with me.

Ted hugs me and offers to buy me a beer, which I gladly accept.

"I remember what it was like to be twenty," Emmett reminisces.

Oh God. Please don't start a story now Em. I turn to Ted. "Where's Blake?"

Emmett loses his smile. "Who cares?"

Ted glares at him but answers me, "He's with some friends."

"Druggie friends," Emmett throws in.

"Will you behave? Am I this nasty about your mustard man?"

"His name is Dijon!" Emmett says. "And he's no longer in the picture so..."

"You two broke up?" I ask as I accept the beer from Ted.

"It wasn't meant to be," Emmett explains.

"Like every other relationship he's in," Ted snickers.

I grin. "I'm sorry."

Emmett rolls his eyes. "I'm fine." He tries to change the topic. "Where's Brian? Haven't seen him around lately."

I avoid his eyes and respond, "He's at home. Working on a new account."

"On your birthday?"

Ted snorts. "Sounds just like Brian."

I open my mouth to defend him but close it just as fast. This is MY night. I won't let anything spoil it for me.

"Is he doing better since the... you know?" Emmett asks.

I assume he's referring to the fight Brian had with Michael. "He's ok."

"As much as I don't agree with many of Brian's ways, I think he was right."

Ted's ears perk up. "You do?"

"You do?" I repeat.

"Yeah," Emmett says. "What he said about Justin was wrong and uncalled for."

Ted looks at me quickly and nods. "I guess you're right."

Wait just a minute here. Is that what the fight was about? Michael said something about me? That bastard!

I know Emmett and Ted won't tell me... I'm going to have to wait until later to grill Brian, although I suspect even he won't be so quick to spill.

With one last smile, I say my goodbyes and re-join my friends.

"Took you long enough," Felix grumbles into my ear as he pulls me into his arms to dance.

"Where's Hugo?" I ask after I slip my arms around his neck.

"He got distracted."

"I see."

We laugh and enjoy the thump thump of the club, grinding against each other and whoever else is close by. For a short while, my worries and problems are a million miles away.

Then I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. Pulling it out, the display shows that it's Brian. He's probably calling to find out where I am. We'd made plans for tonight after all. But fuck him. I press the power button and turn off my phone.

"Want anything?" Felix shouts into my ear. He's off to the bar to get drinks.

Looking at him, something goes off inside... and I can't help it.

"You." I whisper softly, slipping my arms around his neck and pulling him down for a kiss. Our tongues meet and he tightens his hold on me. I'm bursting inside.

I want him to fuck me.

21/02/03

Banner courtesy ANDREA

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