NO EXCUSES, NO APOLOGIES, NO REGRETS
Part 20 - Better Man

JUSTIN

"Where does this go?"

I turn around from the clothes I'm trying to sort and find Brian behind me, a box containing my art supplies and a few books in his arms. He's taken off his black jacket, his beautiful biceps on display, muscles straining under the weight of the box.

"Just put it anywhere," I tell him offhandedly. Using the hangers already provided in the closet, I get my shirts organized.

He settles the box at the foot of the bed and starts scanning the room. He hasn't gotten a chance to investigate because he was helping me get boxes up the steps. Unfortunately, there is no elevator like in his place. Instead, I get to walk up two flights of stairs everyday.

I watch him as he opens drawers and lifts the mattress; God knows what he's looking for. I'm trying not to rub it in his face how happy I am to have my own place because I know how hard it is for him. He really doesn't see the point in me moving out, especially since I had every one of my needs taken care of at his place. But that's exactly my point. I want to take care of my needs for once... without his always being there.

And I know technically, I'm not really taking care of myself... for crying out loud, rent is FREE! But... we can have our own space again. And this is going to be good for our relationship. Brian has a lot of things in his life that he still has to deal with. Things I can't help him with. There really is nothing I can do to take his pain away.

I watch him jump on the bed, sneakers and all. When he sees my curious expression, he grins mischievously. "Just testing out the springs, Sunshine."

I grin and toss the shirt I'm holding onto the floor, jump on the bed with him. Our hands entwine as we struggle to get on top of one another, childish laughter filling the room.

It's no surprise who comes out the victor.

"Unfair!" I protest with a pout when he's on top. "You're bigger!"

He snorts and leans down to lick at my lips with his eager pink tongue. Opening my mouth, I feel his tongue snake inside, stroking the roof of my mouth before caressing my own keen tongue ever so slowly. But in the mood I'm in... we're both in, it's not very serious. I start lapping at his tongue like a thirsty puppy. He's laughing and so am I when I hear the knock on the door. Without thinking, I push Brian off and he falls onto the floor with a <<thump>>.

"Justin?"  It's Connor.

I get off the bed, almost subconsciously. "It's open."

He walks in, huge grin on his face. "Hey roomie," he says. He looks behind me and sees Brian, sitting on the floor, hazel eyes burning holes into my back.

"Oh, hi. I didn't know Justin had company." He gives Brian a slight wave with his hand, then thinks better of it; goes over and offers a palm. "I'm Connor."

Brian gets off the floor easily and shakes his palm. "Brian."

Turning back to me, Connor says, "Got enough room for your stuff?"

Brian snorts and I shoot him a quick look. Connor laughs.

Going back to my un-packing I say, "Unless you're here to help, go away." He sticks his tongue out at me and I add, "Just 'cos we live together now doesn't mean you can barge into my room all the time, you know."

He knows I'm kidding and hops on the bed. "Sure, whatever you say, dude."

Brian props himself against the desk and starts digging through my backpack.

"Wanna go to a party with me tonight?" Connor offers. "I've already got a date, but I can hook you up with one, no sweat."

Rolling my eyes, I tell him, "I can find my own dates, thank you very much." They may all be cute young men, but I can find them. Yes, I can.

"But can you find <hot> dates? That is the question." He nods his head seriously, eyes telling another story. "Besides," he adds. "I haven't seen you with a single girl since I've met you. I know you're shy but..."

Oh, fuck. Shut up, Sully!

Looking across at Brian quickly, I see he's wrapped up in searching through my stuff. I only hope he wasn't listening. He'll never let me live this down.

"I'm too busy to date," I muster up quickly.

He sighs and gets off the bed. "Fine. Fine. Be that way." Punching my shoulder lightly, he walks towards the door. "I'm off to the gym. Gimme a call if you change your mind." Turning to Brian, he says, "A pleasure to meet you Brian. Hopefully you can talk some sense into this <nerd>."

Brian cocks a brow but says nothing and Connor leaves. "Do you know a bunch of pages are missing from this book?" He holds up my European Art History book.

I walk over and inspect it myself. "I bought it used," I mutter, tossing the book on the desk. Slipping my arms around his waist, I lean up for a kiss.

He keeps it simple, but sweet. When it's over, he coyly asks, "So when are you going to tell your new best friend you're a <stark raving mad> homosexual?"

I groan and tighten my hold on him. "I was hoping you weren't paying any attention to us."

"When the subject is pussy, I try to blank out, I swear I do," he jokes. "But when we're talking about my boyfriend and pussy, well... that's another story."

I laugh as I get out of the embrace.

"He knows, you know," he says suddenly.

My brows furrow, confused. "Huh?"

"I said: Connor knows that you're gay."

"No, he doesn't," I deny.

He raises a brow. "Don't listen to me then. What do I know?"

"If he knew, he wouldn't be asking me to go to those stupid frat parties with the <chicks> and the <babes>!"

He laughs. "He's testing the waters. Waiting for you to trust him with it."

Sitting on the edge of the bed, I twist my mouth from side to side, wondering if Brian could actually be right. I feel the mattress sink beside me and a supporting arm being slipped around my slumped shoulders.

Lifting my chin, he looks down into my eyes. His index finger gently smoothes over my now minute scar. "He isn't another Hobbs."

I nod; that's what I was afraid of. If you think he's ok, Brian, then...

Without words, but only my eyes, I thank Brian... for always knowing the right thing to say... to make me feel better.

Without words, I let him know I'll reveal all.

And he understands.

BRIAN

I spend my entire Saturday helping Justin get organized. Digging through his stuff, I only now realize just how much junk this kid collects. He's got so much shit. Was he actually storing all of this in my loft? I want to know where, considering I have a hard time finding free space for my own things.

His room isn't bad; it's not too small or anything. Enough space for him. I offer to buy him his own TV, but he declines. Independent twat. It's disgusting that he's only 20 and so fucking mature.

When there's nothing else to do, I prop myself up on his pillows and watch him arrange his desk. He's not anal about order, but he wants specific things in specific places... like a framed picture of us. We're at Deb's and I'm sitting on her sofa with him on my lap. I vaguely remember the day. His mouth is pressed against my ear; probably him whispering something in my ear... which has me grinning. I actually hate the fucking photo. I look slightly constipated or something.

Finally, he leaves the desk and joins me in bed.

"So," he starts, as he gets comfy on top of me.

I lean up and kiss his forehead.

"Any plans tonight?" he asks.

"It's nine-inch night at Babylon," I suggest with a mischievous grin, eyebrows raised suggestively.

He grins.

"We'll get in for free," I add.

He laughs. "I probably shouldn't," he says seriously. "Mid-terms are coming up."

"My dick's coming up," I say, butt lifting off the bed so my dick can rub against his.

He pushes me back down, palms my slightly hard cock. "Down boy," he orders with a smile.

I pull him down for a kiss, my right leg easing its way between both of his. All of a sudden, he pulls away.

"What?" I grumble, annoyed. I want to fuck, dammit.

His blue eyes are gazing down into mine. I can see the worry in them. Fuck. I need to get out of here quick... before he starts up another one of his goddamn talks. No more, Justin. No more. Please.

"So... how does this work?" he asks.

Too late.

His baby blues are nervously staying focused on my own.

No escape. I'm trapped. I'm having yet <another> fucking conversation.

"I need a smoke," I tell him coldly as I try to get up.

He hits at my chest, pushes me back on the bed. Great. Fucking great!

"Brian," he says. "Can we just talk about this for a minute?"

No, we can-fucking-not. I grit my teeth and sigh, a sign that I'm giving in. Like always.

"I swear to God, Justin, I'm really beginning to hate these fucking <talks>."

He pats my arm and says, "I appreciate the effort you're making, Brian."

I snort; cock a brow. "Well fucking talk already!"

His brows furrow together angrily before he says, "I know my moving out should change things... well sorta..." He pauses to bite on his bottom lip. "But... Brian... we still have the same... rules and stuff... right?"

My eyes narrow suspiciously, but I say nothing.

I can feel his heartbeat; it's going a mile a minute. What has you so scared, Sunshine? Spill it already.

"I guess you're going to bring guys back to the loft, huh?"

I smirk. Is that what's bothering you? Tsk tsk, let me help ease your worry. "Where else would you have me take them?" It's not an outright answer, but then again, it is.

His nose flares slightly as he gets off me, obviously pissed at my retort.

"What the fuck do you want me to say?" I snap.

He rolls his eyes and mutters something incoherent before getting off the bed.

I don't have to deal with this shit. He wanted to move out; he'll deal with the fucking consequences. I'm surprised he's even factoring me into his <<grand>> plans; he's been so <<considerate>> of me lately. I can't help the snort that escapes.

He leans against the desk. "Will you come see me during the week?"

I snort again. "I am not spending my spare time surrounded by fucking pretentious University students. I was one; remember? I know how annoying they can be."

He bites on his bottom lip. "So weekends? I get to see you on weekends? How dumb is that?"

Hey, this was your idea, Justin. I'm making enough fucking sacrifices as is. Getting off the bed, I tell him, "I'm going to be busy with work. And you're going to be busy with school."

"But Brian," he whines.

I glare at him. Don't even think about it.

He swallows and moves away from the desk, notices the car keys in my hand.

"Are you going already?" he asks.

"I have things to do," I snap, angrily. I'm about to add another cold comment, but I think better of it.

I walk over to where he's standing, wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him.

"Call me later?" he asks when we pull apart.

"Sure," I say and walk to the door. "Stay out of trouble."

I find myself at Ben and Mikey's later. Knocking on the door, there's no response. I place my ear against the door and hear whispers on the other side. Ben's upset that I kept Mikey out late a couple nights ago. But who gives a shit what he thinks?

"You said I can stop by anytime!" I shout through the door.

Ben opens the door, the expression on his face not very happy.

"Brian," Mikey says. "What are you doing here?"

"It's nine-inch night at Babylon," I reply with a smirk. "Anyone with a nine-inch cock gets in for free."

They exchange looks and Mikey says, "Ben and I were just gonna have dinner."

"Great! I'm starving; what are we having?" I plop down on the table, notice the candles and table settings. However, I choose to ignore it.

"Red curry chicken... enough for two," Ben replies meaningfully.

"So, which one of you is joining me?" I say with a grin, shoving a fortune cookie into my mouth.

"How's the baby-making business?" I ask Mikey with a smirk. The three of us - yes, Ben decided to join us after all, despite his sour disposition - are headed to Babylon.

"It's been..." Mikey can't seem to get the words out.

I can't help the loud <hoot> that escapes from inside me.

"What's the matter?" I goad. "Those dirty hetero magazines not helping you get it up?"

He laughs and even Ben joins in.

"It's so nerve-racking," he complains. "I can't seem to think about anything hot."

"You could think of me," Ben tells him with a grin.

"Or me," I add.

Or better yet, me AND Ben. Together. All sweaty and hot, tied up, hard cocks grinding against each other...

My eyes catch Ben's in the rearview mirror and I feel my balls tighten. Fuck. The car swerves slightly, but I get it back on track quickly. Fucking Ben. If only he wasn't so damn hot. But I've had him. And had him again. Still... he IS a good fuck.

Mikey doesn't notice, continues complaining about the hard time he's having jerking off into the friggin cup.

At a red light, I stop and pull out my pack of cigarettes.

"So where's the boy wonder tonight?" Mikey asks. "Still at his mother's?"

The light changes to green before I get the chance to light up a smoke. Pressing the accelerator, I pull off; hands still on the steering wheel trying to keep it steady as I attempt to light my cigarette. After a long drag, I turn and tell him, "Nope."

"So, where is he?"

At my disinterested expression, he mutters, "He's not returning any of my calls. We're supposed to be working on Volume two!"

After another pull, I say, "He's busy."

"I'm gonna try again." He pulls out his mobile and starts dialing.

In the rearview mirror, I notice Ben grumbling something under his breath. Whatever.

After a minute or so, Mikey switches off the phone and turns to me.

What the fuck does he want me to do?

"He's not answering! Where the fuck is he?"

I snort and pull out my own mobile, press '1' and wait. Less than ten seconds later, Justin picks up.

"Hey," I say as I pull into Babylon.

Mikey glares at me when I pull into a parking space, slams his door shut. Ben joins him outside.

Cutting right to the chase, I ask, "Why are you avoiding Mikey?" I unbuckle my seatbelt.

He snorts. "I'm busy."

"What a little liar you are," I say with a grin.

Mikey's glaring at me from outside; I wave hello and shoot him an amused look.

"Is that what you called me for?" Justin asks, annoyed. "To talk about Michael? 'Cos I have more important things to do."

"Stop being a twat."

He huffs a little.

"I'm not going to remind you how important Rage is, Justin," I say, the warning in my voice obvious. "To <both> of you."

Getting out of the car, I hear his snort. "Think about that tonight, when you get some time from your <busy> schedule."

JUSTIN

A little after 12, Connor strolls in looking like hell. His hair is unkempt, more so than usual, and he's clutching his side.

"What the fuck's wrong with you?" I ask, immediately getting off the sofa to help him.

He leans on me for support as I steer him towards the sofa that still has my butt imprint on it.

"Can you get me some water?" he asks.

I pour him a glass after leaving him on the sofa.

"Wild night?" I ask with a grin.

He accepts the glass and takes a few tentative sips. "I think I may have drank a little too much." At my knowing look, he adds, "Such is the case when the booze is free."

I laugh. "Sleep it off," I advise.

He sprawls off on the sofa, watching me through half-dead eyes.

"What did you do all night?" he asks. "Don't tell me you stayed here and studied?"

The all-telling blush creeps into my cheeks and he lets out a howl, which he immediately regrets. Clutching his side, he grumbles, "Fucking..."

I giggle. "That'll teach you."

He sticks his tongue out at me and pushes his hair back with a hand. "I suppose you got a ton of work done, huh?"

I shrug. "Not really." I got a little done... between moments where I was arguing with Brian... who was not even here! The thought has me narrowing my eyes.

"Brian helped you study?" The way he asks it has me looking up at him quickly. His eyes are nervously shifting, trying not to look into mine.

"No," I reply carefully. "He left a little after you did."

He nods his head and attempts a smile, which looks more like a grimace.

I decide that I should just get it over with... Brian was obviously right.

"But you may be seeing him around a lot," I tell him.

He sits up, nods and says, "He seems really nice."

I snort. "When he wants to be."

He throws a cushion at my head. "Is that nice? After he helped you move all your shit on a Saturday and all?"

I hug the cushion to me and grin. "I guess you have a point."

My eyes follow him as he walks into his room. I'm relieved. My being gay is out in the open and we're cool. Everything will be ok... this new arrangement is going to work out just great.

I can feel it in my bones. I'm a better man already.

10/03/03

Banner courtesy Andy

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