Thanks to the super-great beta crew of Mandi, Wendy, Jenn and Lois!

Sunday Afternoon Delights:
GREEN EYED MONSTER
by Irina & PIG

"Don't. Don't tell me you love me when you still leave me every night. You go back to him, but you should be with me!"

"Don't talk like that. You know you're the only one I love."

"Then why are you still with him? Why aren't you with me? Where you belong?"

"I can't leave him, not yet. Please, try to understand."

"How can you expect me to?"

"I told you, he means nothing to me. You're the one who has my heart."

Brian squinted his eyes, trying to block out the bright rays that were beaming through the tall windows and the panels in the bedroom. He still couldn't figure out why after all this time of living in the loft he could never remember to close the curtains at night. Of course, the fact that he had been much too preoccupied with other things the night before, such as his lover’s mouth on his dick, could have had something to do with that.

Speaking of…eyes still closed, he rolled over onto his other side, his hand searching for the warm, smooth skin of his boyfriend. Instead, his fingers came in contact with the cold silk sheets. Opening his eyes, Brian did a double check to make sure that Justin was in fact missing from their bed.

He was about to call out his lover’s name when he heard it. Them. Justin and some other guy. Saying…things…

Brian sat up, trying to see into the living room. But the closed panels made it difficult to make out the guy’s face. The only thing he knew was that apparently there was a stranger in his house and that stranger was not at all a stranger to Justin.

"Let me get just one kiss then, so I can remember the sweet taste of your lips."

Justin smiled. "My *sweet* lips, huh?"

The stranger snorted. "Will you behave!"

"Shhh, you'll wake Brian!"

"Oh shit, sorry."

"It's ok. Now come here and kiss my *sweet* lips."

Brian's face fell as he heard the last line. It wasn't that Justin couldn't kiss other men. That rule had been tossed into the garbage with the rest of their ridiculously stupid rules when they first got back together. BUT...it was something that Brian still followed, even though he wasn't required to. And deep down he had suspected that Justin did as well. Until now...

Justin laughed and pushed his friend away. "Hey! Watch it with that tongue, buddy!"

Ok, that was it. He was all for Justin experimenting and getting more experience, even though the teen really had no need for it, but in his own loft? While he was still in their warm bed? Fuck no.

Brian quickly swung his legs over the edge of the bed and stood up, heading for the stairs.

Justin had his head lowered, engrossed in the paper in front of him, so he didn't notice Brian standing above him. Without looking up, he said, "It says here we have to fuck too?"

And that's when he noticed Brian... still in his birthday suit, his dick on display.

"What the fuck is going on here?" Brian demanded.

Justin raised a brow, disapproving of Brian's tone and letting the other man know it. Putting on a polite mask and placing the cushion he had been holding in front of his lover's semi-hard dick, Justin said, "Brian, this is Scott. Scott, meet Brian."

"Oh my God!" Scott burst out excitedly. "*This* is *the* Brian?" His green eyes traveled up the brunet's body to settle on a pair of unimpressed hazel eyes. "I've like, um, heard, soooo much about you!"

Justin cringed when he heard Brian's, "Strange. I've like um, heard *nothing* about you." His tone was incredibly mocking.

Justin stood up, smiling at the red-haired teen still seated on the sofa. "Scott goes to school with me, Bri. I'm helping him rehearse for the lead in a play."

Walking to stand next to Brian, Justin snaked an arm around his lover's waist.

"I hope you don't mind?" Justin asked sweetly, an underlying warning clearly in his tone. "I told Scotty my boyfriend is the coolest stud around and wouldn't mind if he came over today to go through his stuff."

Brian’s eyes shifted between Justin and the other guy. Scott, that was his name. As if Brian gave a shit. He wanted to tell Justin to get the fuck out and take Scott with him, but as he had stated more than once, this was Justin’s home as well and he had the right to bring his friends here for study sessions. The problem was that the guy wasn’t just a friend. That was painfully obvious to Brian even before he first laid eyes on the fucker.

“It’s not even nine, Justin,” he finally said, giving Scott the evil eye, noticing as he did that the teen was trying his hardest not to stare at Brian.

Dragging Brian back into the bedroom to give his oh-so-tactful-and-considerate-lover a piece of his mind, Justin called out to Scott, "Give me a minute. Why don't you go through the scene where you have to give me a blowjob while I'm gone?"

In the bedroom, Justin was quick to start on Brian. "Well, that was fucking rude of you."

Brian’s forehead wrinkled in surprise at the attack.

“Rude? What the fuck are you talking about? I wake up on a Sunday morning to find my…” He stumbled. “To find you professing your love to some acne-covered face over there,” he motioned toward the living room. “And you’re calling ME rude?”

Justin made a quick glance to see if Scott was listening. Luckily, the other teen was busily repeating his lines, oblivious to his host's displeasure with his visit.

"Keep your voice down," Justin scolded in a hushed voice, his attention now fully on his naked boyfriend. Speaking of naked... "And will you put some clothes on? I can't believe you walked out there fucking naked!" He glared at Brian. "How embarrassing is that? Now *he* is gonna tell all the boys back in school! I'll be a fucking joke."

He turned to walk back to his guest, but his upper arm was grabbed in a tight hold, stopping him in his tracks.

"First of all," Brian began, "I'll fucking walk naked if I damn well please. And if your "friend" doesn't like it, he can get the fuck out of here." Brian released Justin's arm and stood straight. "And secondly, embarrassed? Your fucking friends should be so lucky."

Justin glared at Brian. "I can't believe you just said that." The blond shook in his head in amazement. "Your friends come over here all the time. Do you see me acting like a fucking moron? Oh, but silly me, I forgot. This isn't my place. It never will be either, will it?"

Brian inhaled sharply. "I am not having this conversation again," he snapped.

Turning away from Justin, he walked over to the other side of the bed and picked up a pair of jeans he wore the night before and pulled them on, all the while painfully aware of the pair of eyes burning into his skin.

"I'm sorry," he heard behind him.

Turning around, his eyes settled on his lover's face once again.

"It's not fair of me to bring it up all the time," Justin added when Brian hadn't said anything.

The ad exec sighed loudly as he raked his fingers through his hair. "No, it's not," he simply replied.

Justin bowed his head, so he was staring at the floor. He was ashamed of what he had said. He had no right. He felt arms going around him, pulling him close. Hugging Brian to him, he mumbled into the bare chest, "Forgive me?"

Brian pulled away slightly. Placing his finger under Justin's chin, he raised the teen's head, his eyes finding two blue saucers staring back at him.

"What have I always told you about apologies?" He smiled to make a point, which was taken the way it was intended and Justin's lips spread into a smile as well.

Leaning close, he brushed his lips against Brian's. When he pulled back, he was feeling much better.

"Hey, Jus! I'm like seriously bored out here. Have you and your boyfriend kissed and made up yet?" Scott called out, the amusement obvious in his voice. "Only, we still haven't rehearsed the scene where I get to fuck your tight little ass yet!"

Justin moved out of Brian's arms uncomfortably. He refused to look Brian in the eye.

"Coming, Scott!" he called out.

Looking at Brian, he chewed on his bottom lip nervously. "Do you, um, mind if we do this here? You don't have anything to work on, do you?"

Brian pursed his lips, mulling over the answer. What he wanted was the surfer dude on his couch gone and forgotten and to spend Sunday in peace. But as he had just pointed out to Justin, this was THEIR place, so Justin had the right to do whatever he wanted there, as long as it was legal…well…as long as it didn’t put either of their lives in danger. And 'running' lines with Scott wasn’t one of those activities, even though it did threaten the life and limbs of a certain green-eyed, acne-faced teenager.

“Just like make sure you use, like, protection, ok?” he mocked, tongue in cheek.

Justin grinned. "You're like, so lame, Brian."

He tweaked one of Brian's bare nipples. "And we're not *really* gonna fuck, you twat!"

Brian snickered. “I wouldn’t be so sure, Sunshine.”

He ran his hands down Justin’s back, fingers sneaking down the soft cotton and cupping two perfectly round butt cheeks.

“Your little friend got a very good look at my cock.” Brian smiled mischievously. “He’s probably ready to explode right about now.” With that, he squeezed Justin’s behind as he pressed the teen tightly, rubbing their cocks together.

Justin shuddered with delight. Squirming out of Brian's arms, he suppressed his moan. Looking down, he saw his hard-on and went ahead and groaned.

"Oh, great," he muttered. "Now *he* is gonna think I'm into him. Nice work, Brian."

Grinning, he left Brian and walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge, hoping the cool air would soften his dick.

"Scott," he called. "Want something to drink?"

"Um, like, sure," Scott shouted back. "Have you guys got Cosmos or what?"

Justin laughed when he heard Brian's snort from the bathroom.

"How does Coke sound?" Justin asked, not waiting for a response, but walking back to the sofa with two cans of the drink in his hands. Tossing one to Scott, he said, "Now, where were we?"

Scott grinned wickedly. "You were gonna suck my cock."

Justin snorted. "In your dreams!"

Out of the corner of his eye, Justin saw the glare Brian had directed his way. Sitting next to Scott, Justin popped open his can and took a long gulp. When he placed the half-empty can on the table, he realized Scott was staring at him.

"What the fuck's wrong with you?" he joked.

Scott leaned close to the blond, aware that Justin's boyfriend was working himself into a rage in the bedroom.

"You have like seriously gorgeous lips," Scott flirted.

Justin rolled his eyes and shoved his friend away. Lifting the script, he started reading, "I miss your smile, your eyes... but most of all, your big cock." Justin burst into laughter. "Who wrote this shit?"

Scott grinned, still slightly miffed that Justin hadn't taken his comment seriously. "This new gay-writer. The name is at the front. It's his first play. I think Hammett is fucking him and that's how come we ended up doing this particular play."

Jake Hammett was the head of the English department at PIFA.

Justin snorted. "Who would want to fuck that old fart?"

Scott smiled. "I hear his cock is like, *huge,*" he said softly.

"I doubt it,"

"What about your cock?" Scott asked. "I bet it's *huge.*"

Justin heard the fridge door slam. Wincing, he replied, "My cock size isn't important." Motioning to the script, he said, "This is."

Meanwhile, Brian tried his best not to act like a crazy, jealous boyfriend, instead focusing his attention on getting himself some breakfast. Since going back to bed, especially without Justin wasn’t going to happen any time soon, he figured he would get something to eat and then get some work done ­ a research on a potential client that he needed to do anyway. An hour or so and Justin would be begging to throw Scott out and then Brian intended to make the young artist pay for each excruciating minute that Justin made him sit and listen to the horribly written and, if Scott's reading was anything to go by, even more horribly acted play.

He pulled out a bottle of guava juice, the only thing in the fridge that Justin never touched and therefore was always available and poured himself a glass. Taking slow sips, Brian tuned out the two teenagers on his couch and strolled over to his desk. While he waited for the computer to boot up, he let his gaze travel over to the center of the living room, freezing at the sight before him ­ Scott’s thin, pale lips covering Justin’s.

The minute Scott's tongue touched Justin's, the blond cringed and pushed the other teen away.

"Hey," Justin protested. "Go easy with that thing," he jokingly added. "Slip that in on-stage and you're bound to scare a few people."

Scott blushed. "Um, sorry."

Justin smiled and pushed at Scott's shoulder lightly. "C'mon, let's try it again."

Justin leaned in to brush his lips against Scott's, but he was distracted by a loud noise.

Brian nearly broke the glass when he slammed it with all his might against the desk. He stared daggers at the other two men on the couch as he rose from his chair.

“Justin, can I see you for a second?”

He sounded calm and collected, but inside he was reeling. Some guy, some…idiot had had his tongue down Justin’s throat. And not only that ­ he had had his tongue down Justin’s throat on Brian’s couch in Brian’s loft with Brian sitting less than ten fucking feet away.

The moment Justin was at his side, Brian grabbed the teen’s elbow less than gently and dragged him into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind them.

“Mind explaining to me what exactly is going on?”

Justin had no idea what Brian was referring to. His expression clearly showed that too. He pulled his arm out of Brian's grasp.

"Brian," Justin started sternly. "I really don't know what's got into you! Scott's gonna think you're a total looney. I can just hear him telling the guys: Justin's boyfriend's not too right up there!" He pointed to his head. "Not to mention we're being incredibly rude, leaving him out there all by himself!"

Justin made a move to go back outside.

“He’s probably pocketing all of my CDs and DVDs right about now,” Brian countered, completely serious.  “I wouldn’t be surprised to find that he's stolen the DVD player either.”

He sighed, running his hand through his hair, Justin’s words finally catching up with him.  “And rude?” he asked, eyebrows risen high.  “He has his fucking tongue down your fucking throat and *I’M* being rude?”

Justin gritted his teeth. "First of all," Justin snapped angrily. "Who in their right fucking mind would want to steal your ancient CDs? And your DVDs are all in fucking black and white. I mean, *really,* Brian." His voice was dripping with the loaded sarcasm. Taking a deep breath, he added, "And since when do you give a damn who I kiss?"

"Since you brought that annoying, yapping dog into the loft," Brian responded, more than a little annoyed by his boyfriend's reaction.

Justin bit his tongue to keep from saying something mean. Not that Brian didn't deserve it though.

"You," Justin said seriously. "Are losing your goddamn mind."

He walked out of the bathroom and re-joined his friend on the sofa.

"I'm so sorry," Justin apologized.

Scott chewed on his bottom lip. "Does he want me to leave?" he asked shyly.

Justin shook his head. "No, no. This has nothing to do with you," he lied.

Scott didn't look like he believed him.

"How about I buy us some breakfast. All three of us?"

His green eyes brightened at the thought.

Justin looked in the direction of the bathroom, where Brian was taking a piss. Gritting his teeth at the fact that his lover had not even bothered to close the door, Justin turned back to Scott.

"I don't think so," he replied. "Brian doesn't eat much."

"Figures," Scott muttered.

Eyes narrowed, Justin said, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Scott smiled. "No offense, dude, but like, your boyfriend is like, um, seriously thin."

Justin laughed.

"I think you can do like way better."

Justin raised a brow. "You really don't think he's hot?"

Scott shook his head and leaned close to the blond. He was so close, Justin could see flecks of gold in Scott's eyes.

"I think you're hot," Scott whispered.

Brian flushed the toilet, trying his best to hide the fact that he had heard every fucking word the red-haired teen had said. Washing his hands, he walked back out into the bedroom, watching the two through the tiny openings in the panels.

Justin was doing his best not to show how uncomfortable he was with the guy, smiling a silly smile and making some stupid joke about the guy being on drugs, but Brian knew that smile. It wasn't Justin's patented Sunshine-you-can-go-blind-if-you-stare-directly-at-it smile. It was as fake as Cher's butt cheeks.

The ad exec mulled his options for a moment. He could let Justin deal with the obnoxious Matt Damon wanna-be on his own and slowly go crazy with the urge to strangle the guy or he could help speed things along. If you can't beat them, join them, right?

Walking over to the dresser, Brian pulled out the first thing his hand came into contact with. It turned out to be a black wife-beater. Brian smiled to himself, knowing that just seeing him in it was going to drive Justin insane. Which definitely worked for him.

Pulling the wife beater over his head, Brian headed down the stairs.

"So, boys, what are we doing?" he asked cheerfully as he slumped into a chair across from the couch, his smile as fake as the one plastered on Justin's face.

Justin panicked immediately. He *knew* Scott was going to grate on Brian's last nerve. Hell, the teen had probably already accomplished that. As for Brian, well, Justin could tell his boyfriend had not made a hit with Scott.

Tossing a frantic look at Brian, Justin blurted out, "Don't you have stuff to do?"

"Nope." His smile was more of a grimace, but he just kept on smiling at the two teens. "Besides, I wouldn't want to be rude to our new friend here." Brian pointed at Scott, smiling sweetly at the kid who had absolutely no idea what he had just gotten himself into.

"Brian," Justin continued as if he hadn't heard a word the other man had said. "You shouldn't waste your time hanging with us two. Right, Scotty?"

Scott looked from Brian to Justin. "Um, sure."

"See, even Scott agrees," Justin pointed out.

He stood up with the intent of pulling Brian off the sofa and pushing him into the other half of the loft.

"Now, come on, Sunshine." Brian pursed his lips. "I'm just trying to be nice. That's what good hosts do." He turned to the other teen. "Right, Scotty?"

Scott twisted his face up at Brian. He knew Justin's boyfriend didn't like him; he wasn't a total idiot.

"I like, um, wouldn't know," Scott told him.

Justin butted in before Brian could.

"Enough of this."

He turned to Brian. "Scott doesn't have all day. If you really want to help, here."

He handed him an extra script. "You can read for the character, Thomas. He plays the older man I'm... I mean, Diego's having the affair with." Flipping the page, the blond added, "And Scott's reading for Carlos, the guy I'm in love with." Looking at Brian, he asked, "Got it?"

"Got it," Brian replied, his voice void of any emotion that could betray how he felt inside. He was sure that Justin hadn't randomly chosen that role to give him. If he didn't know any better, he would have thought that Justin was trying to make some sort of a point.

"Ok, Scott," Justin said. "Why don't we do page twenty?"

Scott turned to the page. Clearing his throat, his entire demeanor changed. Reaching out, he pulled Justin's face close to his with one arm as he read his lines, "Why are you doing this to us?"

Justin inhaled deeply. "I'm doing *this* for us, baby," he read perfectly. "Remember what we planned? I'm so close to getting him to give me everything. I think the old fart really loves me."

Scott was rubbing the back of Justin's neck absentmindedly as he read, unaware of the curious hazel eyes directed on him, green lights flickering in their depths.

"If you tell me you love him, I'll die," Scott moaned dramatically, burying his face in Justin's neck.

"How can I love anyone else, but you?" Justin questioned.

Lifting his eyes to meet Justin's, Scott gave him a wicked grin. "Prove it. Kiss me, baby. Just kiss me."

The two teenager's lip met.

Their kiss was brief, though, interrupted by the loud sound of Brian clearing his throat. It was only a play, a bad written one at that. Yet the words, the storyline - it affected Brian more than he would care to admit.

"Shouldn't there be a line about Thomas being the best fuck Diego's had? I mean, I'm sure Thomas is quite a stud. Taught the little fuck everything he knows, right?" Brian inquired, his eyes locked on the blue ones that stared back at him appalled, suddenly understanding how Brian was reading this.

"Brian..." Justin made a move toward him, but Brian didn't let him.

He tossed the script on the coffee table and stood up, moving away from the two of them.

"Did you already pass the part where Diego professes his love for Thomas? Where he swears that Ethan is out of his life for good?"

"Ethan?" Scott asked. "It's Carlos."

Brian's gaze shifted from the redhead to Justin, then he turned away, suddenly unable to bear the sight of the one who'd hurt him so badly.

Justin stood up and walked up behind Brian. Leaning his head against the other man's back, Justin softly said, "Brian, it's just a play. It has nothing to do... I... I..."

Justin didn't know what to say. He had no idea Brian still thought about the whole Ethan episode - the episode which was the biggest mistake of Justin's life. Justin had apologized profusely, had tried to make it up to Brian with many, many late nights of sucking his cock, trying with every lick, every caress to erase the hurt he'd caused this man he loved more than anything or anyone. He had assumed he had succeeded, assumed all things Ethan were out of the picture and out of their minds. It was a harsh reality check to find out how wrong he'd been.

Kissing Brian's bare arm, Justin said, "Are you ok? Do you want to talk about it?"

He wasn't surprised when Brian pulled away, refusing to look him in the eye.

"Um, Justin," Scott called out. "I think like, um, your boyfriend is like seriously going to like, um, blow a fuse or something."

Justin reluctantly had to admit that Scott's theory looked to be correct. After tossing a glare Scott's way that was hot enough to burn, Brian switched his gaze on his blond partner.

For the first time in a long time he actually felt embarrassed. Embarrassed that he let some stupid play and some stupid guy get to him like that. Of course, it was just a play. And of course, he knew that Justin and Ethan were over, but something inside of him just couldn't let it go, no matter how much he tried to convince himself and Justin that he had.

"I'm getting out of here," he said quietly.

Before Justin could even react, Brian grabbed his leather jacket from one of the barstools and headed out the door, slamming it behind him.

About half an hour later Brian found himself alone in his office at Vanguard - the only place where he wouldn't run into anybody who'd want to know what was wrong, want him to *share his feelings,* and where nobody would find him.

Of course that theory went to hell when he saw the door open to reveal his lover.

Justin had tried Michael's and the munchers', but to no avail. Just by chance, he'd thought about Vanguard. And there he found Brian, sitting in his leather chair, deep in thought.

Justin couldn't believe how stupid he had been. He knew he had hurt Brian a lot with his choosing Ethan over him, even though the other man had tried to hide it, but he honestly thought they had moved past it. Justin knew *he* was over it. He knew who mattered to him most now, who had always mattered and who would always matter. He wasn't about to make a second mistake and lose Brian again. Especially not after Brian had been brave enough to give him another chance. Justin knew how much courage it had taken for this difficult complex man who had let him into his life so reluctantly in the first place to stifle his fears and his pride and take him back. And now, totally unintentionally, he'd hurt him all over again.

Closing the door behind him, Justin wasn't sure what to say now to make things better. He leaned against the door and stared at his lover.

"Hey," he said quietly.

Brian looked up, his features softening. "Hey."

He watched silently as Justin walked over to the desk and sat down in one of the chairs across from him, gazing at him with an oh so familiar look of complete guilt. He'd seen that look too many times in the Ethan era to mistake it.

He knew what was coming next. The conversation they should have had a long time ago. The conversation that he had been trying to avoid ever since he had let Justin back into his life.

"Please, tell me you did not leave Scotty in the loft alone," Brian said with a lopsided grin.

Justin grinned. "I may be a bit slow, but I'm not a complete moron." Taking a deep breath, he added quickly, "Brian, why didn't you talk to me? Tell me something was wrong? If we don't talk to each other..." He let his voice trail off.

Brian sighed slowly.

"Nothing's wrong," he said, looking away.

Justin cocked a brow.

"C'mon, Brian," he said softly. "Give me some credit. We've been in this relationship..." When he saw Brian's  irritated look, he made a quick change of words. "I mean, um, we've been... living together for a while. I'd like to think I know you a little better now."

Brian opened his mouth to respond, but at the last minute changed his mind. 

Justin was right.  Whatever it was that they were in, they've been in it for a while now and Justin knew him.  Probably better than he would have liked. 

Definitely better than he liked anybody knowing him.  Really knowing him.

Leaning back in his chair, Brian blew out a puff of air.  They were really going to do this now.  Here.  He snickered.

"What's so funny?" he heard Justin ask.

Raising his gaze to meet his lover's once again, Brian shrugged.

"This is the same place we...uhm...gave it another shot."  He pointed to the edge of his desk, remembering that night with a smile.

He knew Justin was remembering it as well when a wide smile spread across his lover's youthful face.

"We found yet another use for your desk," Justin teased.

Brian chuckled. "Among other things."

There was also his chair, the floor, and the small sofa in the corner.

Justin blushed at the memory. His mouth had been put to *full* use that night... He'd been able to beg forgiveness in so many ways...

Looking up, he found hazel eyes staring back at him. How had Justin been able to turn away from those eyes before? Eyes that clearly showed such love.

"Brian," Justin said softly.

He got up and walked over to where Brian sat; leaned against the edge of the desk, arms folded.

"Are you ready to tell me what that was about today?"

Brian closed his eyes, exhaled slowly, and then opened his eyes again. They really were going to do this now.  Talk, that is. He pulled his bottom lip in between his teeth, trying to find the right words to describe exactly what the hell he had been thinking, freaking out in front of Justin's little friend.

"It was..."  He sighed loudly once again.

'Fuck it,' he thought. The whole point of this ridiculous arrangement that was labeled as a relationship was that you actually talked to your...significant other about things that bothered you. The former lover that he had left you for being one of them.

"I thought I was over it," he whispered, looking away.

Justin understood how hard it was for Brian to make that confession, but for them to work, Brian had to admit everything he was going through inside. Past. Present. Future.

Justin needed to hear the words just as badly as Brian needed to say them.

"And now, Brian?" Justin asked. "How do you feel now?"

Brian grimaced, hating that he was put in the position where he had to talk about what he felt. What he hated even more was the fact that he was the one who had put himself in that position. He rose from his chair and walked over to the window, a bit of distance from Justin, at least in a physical sense, was what he needed. Before he started to feel that the walls were closing in on him.

He gazed out of the window on the city that was only now waking up or sitting down for Sunday brunch with the families. All his adult life Brian had worked really hard to make sure that he wasn't one of those people ­ to avoid being "normal", to avoid being like everybody else. The ironic thing was, sometimes he found himself craving the normal things, like waking up in the arms of the one person he could see sharing his life with for a long time, maybe forever ­ even though that word scared him shitless.

Brian turned around and met Justin's eyes. "I don't ever want to feel that way again," he admitted.

Justin wanted to run to Brian, wrap his arms around his boyfriend and tell him everything was going to be ok. He wasn't going anywhere. Not for a long, long time. But he couldn't make Brian any more promises. He wouldn't.

They would just have to take it day by day. Hope for the best.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you, Brian," Justin said stupidly.

He had never felt so inept in all of his 20 years. He had hoped for this day to come for so long, the day when Brian would tell him everything he wanted to hear. And now, it had finally come, but he had gone blank. He was empty... didn't know what to say, where to start.

Or maybe he did.

"You understand why I left though?" Justin whispered the question. "And why I came back?" he added quickly.

Brian pondered on the question for a moment. Of course he knew. Which is why he had given that not so gentle push at the Rage party. He had wanted Justin to experience everything life had to offer, even if that meant he couldn't be there to share it with him. But now, even though he had let Justin go, even though he had promised himself as he watched Justin walk out of Babylon with the fiddler that he would never let anybody in ever again, the blond was back in his life - and Brian couldn't remember when he had felt happier - at least until he had let this morning's episode get to him.

His mouth turned at the corners. "You missed my cock?"

Justin wished he could laugh, but he wasn't in the mood for jokes. So much for Brian being serious.

Forcing a smile, Justin said, "What else was there to miss?"

Certainly not your arms around me, holding me close at night.

Not your teasing smile, telling me without words, that I was about to get it.

Not your lips on mine, tasting every inch of my body.

Oh, no, Justin thought sadly. There was nothing to miss, Brian. Nothing at all.

Brian blinked, his smile fading, replaced by a look of understanding. Justin wasn't asking for words anymore. He had said he understood. He had said that he knew what to expect from Brian now. Understood that the words, the ones he needed so desperately to hear, weren't going to come. And he was ok with it. As long as they didn't talk about it.

But now that they were...talking about it, that is...there was no escaping this time. If he made Justin go without hearing it now, now that he had opened the long-avoided subject of their split, then Justin might never be sure, might never know... and that meant that they might both go through that hell of separation all over again.  All just because he couldn't say the words that were warbled across the world's airwaves every minute of every day and covered acres of forests' worth of Hallmark cards.  How big a loser did that make him?

"Come here," Brian said quietly, his voice only a whisper.

He watched as Justin slowly made his way over to him, wary of what the ad exec had on his mind. Not that Brian could blame him. For all Justin knew, he could end up being tossed out of the window or pushed off the cliffs of Mt. Kinney once again.

But that wasn't Brian's intention. When he had said that he never wanted to feel that way again, he meant it. Watching Justin walk away from him once was more than enough. He was going to do everything he could to prevent that from happening again.

When the blond stopped less than a foot away, Brian reached out and put his hand on the back of Justin's neck, pulling him closer and leaning forward, till their foreheads were touching. He sighed. "You know that I'm...that I'm not like most people."

Justin snorted. "If that isn't the understatement of the year..."

"Would you shut up and let me talk for one goddamn minute?" Brian snapped, feeling his resolve slipping away.

Justin shut up.

Brian cleared his throat. Talking was his specialty. What he was good at. Producing the required spiel to order. Convincing a potential client that he was the next Messiah. That he would bring them millions upon millions of dollars. And he always delivered. Until now...right this moment...this crucial moment when he desperately searched for the right words to say and came up with nothing.

He laughed nervously, pulling Justin closer to him. "You're really gonna make me say it, aren't you?"

Justin, suddenly giddy with what he guessed Brian was about to say, raised a brow trying hard to hide his grin. "I have no idea what you're talking about, dear."

Brian heard the tiny quiver in Justin's voice and smiled, realizing that his lover was just as nervous as he was.  He swallowed the lump that was threatening to suffocate him and took a deep breath in. This was it. He forced the words out.

"You know."

Well, okay, maybe not the exact words. But maybe close enough. He pulled away just a tiny bit so that he could see the look in Justin's eyes. 

Whatever else went on between them, Brian could always see the truth in those eyes.

"You know," he repeated, more sure of himself this time.

Justin knew for sure now what Brian was having a hard time trying to say. And knew what it meant that he was even trying to say it.  It was a huge step Brian was undertaking, for him, for them.  It was up to Justin to help him.

Yes, he wanted the words, but they weren't as important as the truth. And the truth was - he did know how Brian felt about him. Even though the other man had never said it and spent most part of their "relationship" denying it. But the truth still remained - even when Brian denied he cared, when Brian pushed him away - Brian still loved him.

Justin smiled and raising his head, he found Brian's mouth.

Taken aback by Justin's reaction, Brian began to pull away, but the hand on the back of his neck only pulled him closer.

The kiss ended just as abruptly as it had begun and once again Brian found himself gazing into the clear blue eyes of his lover. Eyes that shone now with confidence in him, in them, in the words he couldn't say.

"I know," Justin whispered.

And Brian's own eyes gleamed in response, their green replaced now with the golden glow of the same confidence.

19/05/03