Thanks to Wendy, Jen and Lois for their beta-expertise.

SAY GOODBYE

"Sunshine!"

Deb greeted Justin with her customary scream, the one that had him fighting the urge to cover his ears and run in the opposite direction. He had forgotten the effect her screams had on his eardrum. It had been such a long time since he'd last heard one.

He gave her a small smile, the best he could manage at the moment. She didn't seem to mind, pulled him into the house after gripping him in a hug.

"Look who's made it, guys!" she shouted, ensuring that all eyes present in the room landed on the blond, making him even more self-conscious than he already was.

Silence.

He was prepared for that. After all, when was the last time any of them had laid eyes on him? Ten years? Maybe even more. He couldn't even remember anymore. When he had left Pittsburgh, he had made a promise - he wasn't going to look back. And he never did.

Until now, anyway...

Sick of the shocked stares, Justin lifted a hand and waved hello. "Hey guys," he said nervously, palms already sweating.

Lindsay was the first one to come to her senses. "Oh, honey!"

She ran across the room to wrap her arms around him. Justin was surprised to find that she hadn't changed much. She had put on some weight, and her hair was now cropped like a boy's. She'd added some highlights to it, which brought out her eyes. They sparkled with brimming tears now. "I can't believe it's you," she said when she pulled away. She wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand to stop the dam from overflowing.

"Mel," she called. "Come say hi!"

Melanie was less enthusiastic in her greeting, but then, Justin expected that. They had not parted on the best of terms. She had known about Justin's plan to leave beforehand, and disapproved. For once in her life, Mel had Brian's interest at heart and had pleaded with Justin to reconsider, but he had made up his mind.

"Hey," she said, kissing his cheek. "It's been awhile."

"It sure has," Justin replied.

She was as butch as ever, tiny wrinkle lines beginning to mar her beautiful face.

Emmett and Ted were next. Like Melanie, they were cold and very polite, making Justin begin to regret ever coming. He should have gone with his gut instinct and stayed the fuck away.

Deb squeezed his shoulders. "So what've you been up to? You must be so busy, not even having a minute to send us a goddamn postcard! And I guess you don't have a fucking telephone either?"

Justin winced. He had come prepared to answer those questions, but actually being put on the spot to respond... well, his mind suddenly went blank.

He looked up when he heard the screen door slam. There stood Brian, his arm around a young boy, Mikey coming in behind him. His eyes locked onto Justin's so fast, it was almost automatic. Brian stopped short, his eyes narrowing. He showed no outward reaction, but Justin knew he remembered him. How could he forget?

Justin heard Mikey's quick intake of breath. "What..." Mikey couldn't seem to get anything else out, his eyes open wide, mimicking his mouth.

Justin couldn't believe he was standing in the same room with Brian again. The older man still looked as handsome as ever, but he was very skinny... too skinny in Justin's estimation. Justin figured Brian was still sticking to his "no carbs" rule. His hair was still thick and brown, thanks to hair crèmes and dye Justin supposed. There was no way Brian would not have grays. Even when they were together... so long ago... Brian had had a few gray hairs. He was dressed in jeans and a tee, his long feet clad in sneakers. The cowry bracelet no longer adorned his slim wrist.

"What's HE doing here?" Mikey finally got over his surprise and shouted the question. His gaze was on his mother. "Ma, I know that somehow, YOU are responsible for this!"

"Michael Charles Novotny!" Deb shouted back, hands on her hips. "I did not raise you to be rude to guests."

Michael was about to say something to that, but Brian stopped him. "Cool it," he said quietly.

Justin chewed on his lower lip. "Maybe I should go," he said, eyes shifting from face to face.

No one seemed opposed to the idea but Deb and Linds.

"Don't be silly!" Linds said, arms around Justin's shoulders again. "Give me your coat. I'll hang it up in the closet for you."

Justin did as he was told. He moved to hand her the wrapped package in his arms, but she didn't take it. Instead she said, "Gus, come and say hello to Justin."

Gus walked over from where he was standing with his father, taking in the blond in front of him with curious eyes.

"Hey, Gus," Justin said with a smile. Gus had Brian's hazel eyes and long, lean frame, but his features weren't as dark as his father's. He was a beautiful boy though, with glowing skin and distinctive features. He would be a heart stopper if he chose to be. "Happy Birthday," Justin added.

Gus accepted the present. "Um... thanks."

"This is Justin, sweetie," Linds told him. "You remember him, don't you? He's in some of the pictures we have in the photo album."

Gus thought about it for a couple seconds. "I think so."

Linds rolled her eyes. "Ok, go put your present away. And you'd better go back outside, all your friends must be wondering where you got to."

He nodded and ran off.

"He's gotten so big," Justin commented.

"Ten years is a long time," Mel piped in. "Kids grow, life goes on. You know what that's like."

At Lindsay's look, Mel shrugged and bit into a nacho chip.

Emmett lifted his empty glass. "I'm going to get me something with a zing! Any takers?"

"Right behind you," Ted said quickly. Mel was fast on their heels.

They all couldn't seem to get away fast enough. From Justin... who was once their little sunshine. He tried not to be hurt; after all, he deserved this, didn't he? Linds gave him a pitiful smile.

"How about some cake?" she asked. "Then we can have a nice little chat."

He nodded. "Sure. Can I have a smoke first?" He needed a goddamn cigarette, and fast!

"Not out back where the kids can see," she told him as she walked off.

He was left alone in the house, everyone else gone off to do something or the other. With a sigh, he opened the very door he had just come in from and walked out. He should have retrieved his coat and gotten the fuck out of there.

Pulling out his pack of cigarettes, he took one out and lit it up. Leaning against the muncher's steps, he tried to control the wave of emotions flooding through him. Breathe, Justin, breathe. Putting the addictive drug to his lips, he was amazed to find his hand shaking. Fuck.

He heard the door slam and looked up to see Brian walking out, holding a plastic plate with a slice of cake on it.

"Those things will kill you," Brian advised him, plucking the cigarette out of Justin's mouth for a pull before flicking it away.

"That sounds weird coming from a chain smoker," Justin retorted.

"From Linds." Brian handed him the cake and plopped down on the top of the stairs. Justin joined him.

"I quit," Brian said. "Or, at least I'm trying to."

Justin raised a brow in wonder. "How'd you manage that?"

"People change."

So he'd been told, Justin thought.

"I did it for Gus," Brian added as an afterthought. "The smoke bothers him."

Justin smiled. "That's... really something." He was glad Brian was finally able to put someone else's needs before his own.

Brian motioned to the cake. "Are you going to eat that or not?"

Justin immediately cut a piece and stuffed it into his mouth.

"So, what the fuck are you doing here?"

Justin was so shocked at the anger in Brian's voice that the cake went down the wrong way and he ended up having a coughing fit, spitting bits of cake on his shirt.

"Still need a bib to eat, huh?" Brian teased, surprising himself as well as the blond.

"I'm sorry," Justin apologized.

"Good for you. Now answer the fucking question."

Justin took a deep breath. "Deb called me."

"And that had you running back over here? I don't believe that for a second."

"She asked me to come!"

"What a load of crock," Brian snapped. "You're telling me that all it took to get you back here was a fucking phone call?"

Blue clashed against hazel. Justin could hear the hurt in Brian's voice... or was he imagining things?

"Well, she's been calling off and on," Justin admitted. "She says she thinks about me sometimes... misses having me around." He lowered his eyes to the ground. He wasn't sure how Deb had found his number, and the calls had only started a few months ago. At first, he was reluctant to allow her into his life again, his *new* life, but then, he realized he had missed her too. Missed all of them. "And well, I sorta promised her I'd visit soon. Gus' birthday seemed like the perfect time."

Brian snorted.

"Do you want me to leave?" Justin offered.

Brian turned to glare at him. "When have my wants ever mattered to you?"

Justin looked away from the coldness he saw in Brian's eyes. "I never should have come back here, should I?"

Brian was quick to respond. "No, you fucking shouldn't have."

You never should have left in the first place, Brian wanted to add, but he kept silent. He was appalled to find himself still reacting to the blond, even after all the years that had gone by. Justin looked great; there was no denying that. His face was as youthful and pretty as ever, and Brian was having a hard time looking into those baby blues. He had trusted those eyes once upon a time. Never again.

Justin picked up the plate and stuffed another piece of cake into his mouth. It was good stuff, not too sweet and just the right amount of frosting.

"Your mother told me you bought a house," Brian said when the silence was getting unbearable. "I met her some place a while back. She's doing really well for herself."

"Yeah, she is," Justin agreed. "Mol's not there anymore, so it's just her and Derek." Derek was Jennifer's live-in boyfriend.

"She seems really happy."

"I think so." Justin swallowed another piece of cake before saying, "It's not a house really, more like a cottage."

Brian scrunched up his forehead making Justin laugh. "It's really nice, I swear. It's not very big, but I have my own studio to paint in and there's a fireplace and Jacuzzi. Plus, we get a lot of privacy."

"We?"

Oops. Justin hadn't meant for that to slip out.

"Um... I've been living with someone."

Brian nodded. "That's nice."

"He treats me well." It was the truth; Rossi was everything he could hope for in a lover. All of his dreams had come true and he was happy.

"How long?"

"Have we been together?"

Brian nodded.

Justin gave it some thought. "I'm thinking six years, but it could be more."

"That's a long time."

"All of our friends think we're this old married couple."

Brian didn't smile. Justin shut up.

"So you're happy I take it?"

"As happy as I'll ever be," Justin replied. "And you? Are you happy?"

Brian snickered.

They were silent again for a long time.

"I tried to find you," Brian said softly.

Justin leaned closer so he could hear better.

"I wanted to tell you how sorry I was," Brian added. "Brian Kinney sorry..." He laughed, but it sounded hollow. "I treated you like shit and... I had to apologize."

Justin didn't know what to say.

"You took off without so much as a goodbye," Brian muttered. "I felt like a fucking fool!"

"Brian -"

Brian went on as if he hadn't heard Justin. "Came home from work and it was all gone. All of your stuff, any hint that you even existed."

"I..."

"Your mom refused to tell me anything."

"I asked her not to."

"That's good old Jennifer for you."

Justin sighed. "I'm really sorry, Brian."

"No, you're not."

"I am sorry."

Brian snorted. "You're a fucking liar."

"I'm not a liar! Don't call me that!" Justin was beginning to get annoyed. "I think I should go."

"That's right," Brian sneered. "Run away when you don't get your way... when you don't hear just what you want to hear."

Justin didn't take the bait. He stomped inside, found his coat and walked back out. "Tell Deb I had to go."

"Tell her yourself," Brian snapped. "But then, goodbyes aren't your thing, are they?"

Justin gritted his teeth. "I'll see you around, Brian."

"Not if I can help it."

Justin was halfway down the street before he realized what he had done. Brian was right. He was behaving like a spoilt kid who pouted and sulked when he didn't get his way.

Walking back, he saw Brian hadn't moved from his place on the steps. Brian made no comment when Justin returned to his hastily departed seat.

"Forget something?" Brian asked.

Justin faced him, blue eyes blazing. He decided then and there to get a few things off his chest. "I have a few things I want to say to you."

Brian huffed.

"I should have told you this a long time ago, Brian, but I was weak and too much in love to even try."

"I don't want to hear - "

"But you're going to, so shut up and listen," Justin snapped. "First of all, I didn't just pack my bags and leave just like that! You knew I was at the end of my rope. You knew I couldn't take it anymore, but you put my concerns on the back burner, like you always did. I was always faithful little Sunshine, always around for a quick fuck when no one else was around." Justin raised a hand to stop Brian from interrupting. "I know you cared about me, I'm not about to fish around for fucking compliments."

"No amount of bait will help you reel in those fucking unnecessary things," Brian spat out.

"I KNOW that Brian," Justin growled. "I knew how fucking cynical you were about love and romance, but I stuck around. Why? Because I was stupid enough to think I could change you. But I was fucking crazy for ever thinking that, wasn't I? You will change for fucking no one." Brian made no comment. "So I got out and saved myself. If I hadn't left then, Brian, I would never have been able to again."

"I should count my blessings then?" Brian sniped.

Justin shook his head. "Why do I even bother? Fuck this. I'm going inside."

Brian pulled on his hand. "Wait. Don't go."

"I don't think we have anything more to say to each other," Justin said firmly.

"You got your chance to vent," Brian was quick to point out. "Don't I get one too?"

Justin conceded.

"I didn't know, Justin," Brian said seriously, his eyes intense against Justin's. "I swear I didn't know you were so unhappy. Why didn't you talk to me?"

"And say what? That I was sick of the circle we were caught up in? Nothing ever changed for us. I remember begging you to spice up our relationship a little. Romance, that's all I was asking for. A candle lit dinner; flowers. ANYTHING... that involved just you and me." Justin sighed. "You remember what you did, Bri?"

The memory was not one Brian had at the top of his head, so Justin reminded him. "You brought home Ricky, the store manager from The Spice Shop down the street from us!"

Brian laughed, the memory coming back to him. "It was supposed to be a joke."

"Well, it wasn't funny," Justin grumbled. "And I remember him smelling like fucking cinnamon. I couldn't get the stench out of my pillow for days!"

Brian laughed harder. Justin pushed him to get him to stop, but ended up laughing too, Brian's amusement so contagious.

When they had both cooled off, Brian sighed. "All my fault then?"

Justin was quick to defend him. "No, no. Of course not, Bri."

"We fucked up," Brian summed up.

Justin nodded. "We sure did."

They both seemed lost in their thoughts for a few minutes. Then Brian broke the silence. "I've missed you."

That was the last thing Justin had expected to hear from Brian.

"The first couple of years after you left were the hardest," Brian said softly. "I would get up in the middle of the night thinking you were in bed beside me..."

Justin's throat went dry.

"I tried so hard to forget you." He looked up and found Justin's eyes on him. "But I couldn't... No matter what I did... No trick could take the place you'd left..." In my heart, seemed the obvious words to add, but Brian pressed his lips together tightly to keep them inside.

Justin lowered his gaze to the ground.

"You asked if I'm happy? The answer is no. How the fuck am I supposed to be happy after what you put me through?"

"Brian."

"I deserved better, Justin," he said. "I deserved a fucking call on my birthday. You little shit! Do you know I actually thought you'd call? Every year for the past..." Brian snickered. "Stupid me. But fuck that. It's over and done with."

"Brian."

"After all," Brian continued. "You're happy now... playing house with another fag that's probably ten times better than me," he snapped.

"Stop it!" Justin pleaded. When he saw the hurt in Brian's eyes, he said, "Brian, please. Don't do this."

Brian shrugged. "You were my last chance to become something good. To do something right."

"What are you talking about? You have done well. And you did right when you had Gus."

Brian smiled. "I did do right, didn't I?"

"He's an amazing kid," Justin said. "And I suspect he's going to make his parents proud, all three of them."

"He already has," Brian replied, the pride for his son distinct in his voice.

"So I guess this is it, huh?" Brian asked.

"It doesn't have to be," Justin told him.

"When do you go back to your hubby?"

"Day after tomorrow."

"Do I at least get a fuck before you go?"

Justin laughed.

"Is that a no?"

"We're monogamous."

Brian shuddered. "So, you found your dream man after all."

"I'd like to think so."

"Good for you."

Justin smiled.

The screen door opened and Gus came out. "Dad, it's time to open presents."

Brian smiled up at his son. "Be there in just a sec, Sonny Boy."

Gus smiled at Justin. "Aunt Deb says to get your blond... twinkie... butt out back."

Justin laughed, not noticing the silence of the man beside him.

Gus left and Justin made to follow him, but Brian stopped him. "Hang on."

"What?"

Brian took a deep breath. "I want you gone."

"Huh?"

"Gone, as in away from here."

"Brian."

"I don't ever want to see your face again."

"You can't mean that, Bri."

But Brian was firm. "I'm fucking serious. Go back to your hubby and your "cottage" and stay the fuck away from me... and MY friends."

Justin couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"I'm saying my goodbyes now, the ones you stole from me the first time you left." Brian stood up. "So, goodbye, fuck off and have a nice life."

He moved towards the front door. Justin stared at the retreating back, his heart aching in his chest.

The door closed silently; Brian never looked back.

"Goodbye, Brian."

17/04/03