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Hastings & Connie - merci beacoup!
Lyrics: In My Place - COLDPLAY (album - A Rush of Blood to the Head)

WATCH AND WAIT

JUSTIN

*In my place
In my place
The lines that
I can change
I was lost, oh yeah
And I was lost
I was lost
Crossed lines
I shouldn't have crossed
I was lost, oh yeah*

He will never change. I know that now. Him fucking *RAGE* in the backroom is proof of that. I tried to change him and I failed. He's Brian Kinney and he'll stay Brian Kinney. Nothing I can ever do will change that.

Walking outside I see him. Ethan. His dark eyes are madly searching the room for me...and then our gazes lock and he breaks out into a truly beautiful...and relieved smile. Soon, we're in each other's arms...kissing...holding on tight...never wanting to let the other go...

Something makes him pull away...the force...of Brian's stare maybe? Looking back, I see him. Brian. That stupid mask is on his face...shielding his eyes...his soul.

My chest tightens and I feel as though I can't breathe. I need to get out...before it's too late.

I never should have cheated on him. Besides it being horribly wrong, he didn't deserve it. He was good to me...in his way.

But, I was confused... lost...frantic for someone...anyone...to give me what I so desperately needed. Love. Affection. Commitment.

I was fighting a losing battle with Brian. He didn't want what I craved...would NEVER desire it... refused to give in to me...no matter how hard I pushed for it.

So I took my own steps...stupid steps, I realize now...and I went and fell in love...if you can call what I'm feeling now 'love.' It's so different from what I feel for Brian...yet the same...somehow.

Ethan. Ethan Gold. I squeeze his hand and he responds in kind.

A mere boy...like me. No suave and sophisticated executive. He's more of a homeless and broke struggling musician...but...so happy. He makes me laugh...makes me feel loved. And that's what I need right now.

Someone who actually wants me to fall asleep in their arms...not someone who pretends it doesn't happen....

They're as different as night and day...and yet I love them both.

But now, eyes locked with Brian...I have to make a choice. And I choose to be happy. I choose to be free...of him. No more. No fucking more! I need to get away...before he destroys me...turns me into himself. I can NEVER be him...I refuse to...

*How long must you
Wait for him?
Yeah, how long must you
Pay for him?
How long must you
Wait for him?
For him?*

And I refuse to wait any longer... for him to come to terms with his feelings for me...or for him to realize he doesn't love me at all...that he may not even like me. That I really was JUST a bedmate...a fuck buddy...an available ride.

I refuse to stay and pay for all his hang-ups...his issues with commitment and love...his inability to show another human being he cares.

I need love.

I need Ethan.

BRIAN

*I was scared
I was scared
Tired and underprepared
But I'll wait for you*

Our eyes meet as he holds hands with his fiddler. I see the pain...sorrow...fear. And I know. He's made his choice. And it's not me.

What did he expect? He was the fucking one fooling around. Why should I be the one doing the chasing? He should be on his fucking knees begging me for forgiveness. He should be the one...

I look away...before I break down in front of him...everyone...I'm scared...so scared...sick of all of it...sick of him...what he does to me. I never expected this...he's never supposed to leave me...he's supposed to love me...he said he did...I KNOW he still does...no matter what...he can't stop...

I look at him again and smile slightly. He knows. He fucking sees it in my eyes. I'll wait for him...wait for him.

*If you go, if you go
And leave me down
Here on my own
Then I'll wait for you*

Leave Justin...fucking leave me! Leave me to live in my empty world again...where my only escape is drugs, alcohol and sex. Take away all of your love and give it to your fiddler...

But I'll never let you go.

I'll wait for you.

*How long must you
Wait for him?
Yeah, how long must you
Pay for him?
How long must you
Wait for him?
For him?*

I have no choice. After what I did to you...I took that baseball bat and smashed it against your head. I was the hate behind Hobbs. It was my fault. If only...I had never come to your fucking prom...none of this would have happened...you'd be fine...healthy...normal...and we'd never have to change a fucking thing.

But I must pay for what happened... Is this you trying to make me pay?

He's leaving now...hand in hand with the musician.

And I get to watch.

And wait.

03/01/03